Posted by Lucie Lu on June 3, 2008, at 21:09:08
Another very moving session today... we both agreed that the last session, where I was able to bring up so much of what I've been feeling unhappy about in our relationship the past couple of months, was really important. We also agreed about having an impasse, we both just had slightly different views about it was about. I started the session today by asking him what he thought the impasse was. He told me his thoughts, very honestly and thoughtfully, and I told him that I agreed but there was something missing in that picture. I then tried to supply that missing piece and we started to put together a picture of a really painful conflict I've been in for months - familiar I'm sure to anyone else with an ACOA history. Even though I really love and trust my T, periodically these fears of betrayal within the therapeutic relationship, of betrayal in any asymmetric relationship, take over. Then I have difficulty using therapy to help me get to a better place emotionally and help me resolve the conflicts that are raising those fears in the first place. My big fear is that I will suddenly realize that in fact I really do mean nothing to him - I'm only part of a long busy day for him - and that everything I value about the relationship will all be meaningless. He's never given me any reason for the mistrust and we work very hard to get out of these ruts when they appear but it's very hard. How can you work in therapy when you can't trust therapy, when you can't trust what's right in front of you? He doesn't take it personally, I told him that I do trust him - I trust that he will help me find my way out of this - and he says we'll go over this issue as many times as it takes. It's times like these, when my doubts take over, that I can only remember all the betrayals and disappointments I grew up with - everytime I began to feel noticed and valued, I was left hanging, which then made me feel like I was of completely no consequence, invisible. My T and I have gone over this again and again, my feeling of being able to make only very light footprints in the sand, blown away very easily by the slightest breeze. Our struggles together are helping me learn about trust and believing in myself and someone else. I still hold on to hope of getting there someday-
poster:Lucie Lu
thread:832782
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080524/msgs/832782.html