Posted by Daisym on May 10, 2008, at 1:16:05
I know I've been quiet. I read but can't seem to stay awake to write coherent replies. I guess being injured is really taking it out of me. But it is more than that.
I've been thrown by all of this and I don't know how exactly to explain it - here, in therapy or even to myself. Because I'm hurt, I can't wear my heels. This means I can't wear my usual business wardrobe - because I don't have any "business" flat shoes. I have all casual flats - ug - all this isn't that important except that without my "costume" I don't know how to be in the world. I feel exposed and confused and mostly ugly and fat. There -- I wrote it.
And I said it too, out loud, in therapy. It was excruciatingly hard - and the conversations about self-worth, appearance, self-esteem, sex, desire and attraction have been equally hard. My therapist is walking a careful line and being really gentle. I mean, what's he gonna say? "Yes, you are fat and unattractive..." he can't say that. But he can't disagree either. He said what he thinks isn't important - it is how I feel about myself and why. But he did wonder why it was so hard to talk about - he asked if I thought I'd be making him aware of things that were hidden. I sort of laughed and said, "well, I'm sitting across from you 4x a week, so I'm assuming you can see the weight gain and how I look." But the more we talked about it and the more uncomfortable it was, the more I could see he was right. I told him that I didn't want to be rejected by him for how I look - as ridiculous as that sounds. Because my feelings for him are so complicated, I'm embarrassed by much of this. I swing from, "how I look shouldn't matter, it is the person I am" to "who do I think I am to have feelings for my therapist - I bet he is horrified at the thought."
He gently asked me if I'm afraid to create desire in men. I guffawed...me? I *don't* create desire in men - I'm so careful to be neutral. I'm not a threat to women and men don't see me. He asked me if I'm afraid to feel my own desire - what happens if I feel sexy or flirty or attractive? That isn't how I see myself, at all. He talked about how some people who have a history like mine use weight as a shield - they don't want to attract any attention at all. I need to think about this.
I thought telling the abuse stories was hard. I thought talking about my feelings for my therapist was hard. I thought talking about my warped sex life with my ex-husband was hard. But nothing has been harder than this for me - talking about my weight, body, breasts (how do you feel when you show cleavage?) and what I wish I looked like.
I talked about quitting therapy last week. It is really painful and embarrassing work. And I want to feel connected to him but it is hard when I feel so flawed and ugly and well, you get it. Is this really something I can work out in therapy? I wish I was invisible.
poster:Daisym
thread:828305
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080508/msgs/828305.html