Posted by seldomseen on April 8, 2008, at 10:11:34
In reply to Re: I'm having a really bad week -triggers I think » seldomseen, posted by Racer on April 5, 2008, at 17:07:47
As always he was very helpful. To clearskies credit, she gave me one very good night's rest. I think it made my subconscious very angry however (like putting a cap on a volcano) and it fired off a volley of unspeakable images and feelings the following night. It was the last time I even tried to sleep prior to last night.
Some rough beast, its hour come round at last,
slouches towards Bethlehem to be born.In my heart I know what it is, but I'm just not ready to cognitively acknowledge it. The trauma of the fall off the horse got it stirring.
My therapist maintains that trauma is trauma and the feelings from one can be very reminiscent of another.
During the session, as I re-lived the dreams, the oddest thing happened - my therapist simply disappeared. He truly became the infamous silent witness. It was less that I was telling HIM what happened, and more that I was just telling.
He reassured me that he cares for me a lot and that he would never ever in a million years hurt me. I think it is safe there with him.
We put a band-aid on the anxiety (klonopin- AGAIN) and two pills and a half of a trazodone later, I was asleep. Not entirely dream free, but a rather innocuous little ditty about dogs and lost toys.
The overwhelmingly good news is that now that I know that the majority of the fear I experience while riding is, in fact, not related to the riding at all, I took the morning off and re-united with my old old friend Jay. Together on the trail we watched the sun come up and I apologized for putting all this crap on him. He seemed okay with it.
To be honest, he was more like "yeah whatever, can we go back to the barn now, I want my carrot".
Andrew is being sold for a song.
I don't know what the next fews weeks will bring and I don't know how, or if, I will be able to handle it. I only know that I have to do it. I also suspect that all of the work that I have done in therapy has lead me to this place.
I'm most likely going to need a lot of support from you guys I'm sure. My absolute promise to you is that I will keep it as trigger free as I can.
Peace.
Seldom.
poster:seldomseen
thread:821371
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080405/msgs/822178.html