Posted by Dinah on April 1, 2008, at 20:45:31
There for a while I was feeling bored and dissatisfied during sessions. I thought that maybe it was time to graduate.
And now I'm not.
I'm not entirely sure why this might be. I'm feeling a lot of stress right now, so feel like I need him a bit more. But I was pretty stressed out before, and my needing him a bit more might reflect my change of attitude rather than the amount of stress.
My therapist's theory is that mastery of anything involves growth and learning, followed by plateaus where people consolidate what they've learned but during which a person might feel bored, followed by periods of growth again. This is based on work by someone or another in the seventies, originally applied to athletes.
I feel more like therapy has actually changed, and the change has engaged me again. But I'm not altogether sure what the change is, precisely. I got a glimmer of it when seldomseen said something like that therapy was still about her, but that it was also about we. But I can't quite pin it down.
I think what has changed might have something to do with relating with my therapist as a person, and not entirely within he prescribed role of therapist/mommy. Though he's still that of course. I don't think the change is entirely in my own mind, either.
A few months (or weeks perhaps) back, I was feeling so disconnected from him that I begged him to tell me something, anything really, about himself. He asked with a bit of edge in his voice if I meant did he f*rt? That sort of thing? And I said no, not that precisely. Just something that would let me see him as a real person. So he talked about things that he felt comfortable talking about. What he enjoyed doing, little things even. I made it clear that I wasn't asking for anything he didn't feel comfortable sharing, given that he's my therapist. And he didn't say anything shocking, or really anything I didn't know. But I did feel more connected afterwards.
Then a while after that, we were discussing my Sunday school class study of controversial topics. It turns out that the entire Sunday school class had similar views on these social topics. But as I was mentioning this with some relief, I stopped and said that I just realized I had absolutely no idea what views he held or if I was deeply insulting him. He asked if I really wanted to know, and I said yes, so he shared his political affiliation and his views on some of the topics we were discussing in Sunday school. As I expected, we were of different political parties, and we differed on a number of the issues while we agreed on others. And not only in the direction I'd have expected either. But since both of our belief systems embrace tolerance of differing viewpoints, it didn't really make a difference. And we ended up expressing mutual respect, and agreement about core values.
I don't know. Things just changed a bit after that. I don't know if he planned it as a therapeutic step. In fact after today I know for sure he didn't, because he has no idea what I'm talking about. He seems more willing to express opinions that might not agree with mine, or to be open about what he's thinking about me, and about whatever we're talking about. And it seems to me that I'm relating to him more as a person, and less as an object put there for my benefit.
Of course, I realize and he realizes that he is being paid to be there for my benefit. But what is benefiting me now seems to be a bit different from what used to benefit me.
I'm not sure if any of this makes any sense. I realized though that I had been a bit reluctant to talk about therapy, maybe because I don't really understand this new phase. Or maybe because I'm afraid I'm seeing an illusion. Which I may be, because my therapist seemed to have no idea what I was talking about. He also said it didn't matter what he thought was going on. Which I don't understand at all. Doesn't it matter if what I'm seeing is real?
I really am seeing this as opening a whole new different way to learn and grow. But I am having trouble pinning that down in my mind as well.
And of course it doesn't help that now I think I'm imagining it.
poster:Dinah
thread:821073
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080321/msgs/821073.html