Posted by frida on January 24, 2008, at 17:17:57
In reply to My therapy today ( mild child abuse triggers), posted by Happyflower on January 24, 2008, at 13:17:05
Dear Happyflower,
your post was very moving for me to read.
i felt so much sadness and hope for the little girl you were. I'm so glad that you are working with such a caring T now...Thank you for sharing, it moved me to tears..
sorry can't write much but i wanted to say that you should be proud of the hard work you are doing...
thank you ,Love,
Frida
> Does is sound like I am in therapy now with a good T? I wanted to share with you today's session. I know I am making progress and that feels good, but it still shocks me on the things I realize about myself.
>
>
> Therapy was so good today,mind blowing good. It went on tangents
> everywhere but it all came together in the end. I finally realize
> (emotionally, because I kind know intellectually) that I not only was
> abused and that was awful, but I also didn't receive love and
> nurturence, and maybe that is the biggest most devastating thing that
> could happen to a child. (it is even hard for me to say me in that
> sentence)
> My session started off with small talk, but then we got to my sh*t
> list I had with me, my journal that I used when I started therapy with
> my last T. I showed him a picture my grandmother took of me sleeping,
> maybe 2 yrs. old. My T got all teary eyed, said I was a very cute
> child and it is just sad that I didn't get what I needed. Then I am
> like wow, I wrote a poem about just that. I read part of it to him.
>
> Then I got off on a tangent about how I feel so upset when I see a
> child being mistreated, I get a weird feeling in my stomach and I feel
> so angry and want to help the child. So we did an EMDR set on that
> feeling, tears just flowed and flowed. Then he wanted me to calm down
> from that, and I said well I can't, I feel very angry. Well he wanted
> me to have that parent in a chair with duck tape on their mouth so
> they couldn't talk, tied up. Well I told him I couldn't hurt anyone,
> that would make me as bad as my mom, and she used to use duck tape
> over my mouth to shut me up. You could see lights going on in my T's
> mind at this point.
>
> So he had me think of I telling this parent to stop what they are
> doing, they are hurting their child, while doing EMDR. Well then I
> started to cry again, because I said I wish somebody told my mom to
> stop it, and it was almost like I became that child I wanted to help.
> So he said he wanted me to then think of soothing that child (me)
> after they had been hurt. Well I kinda got stuck because I said I
> don't know how to do that.
>
> I said I could imagine my grandma hugging me and that felt sort of
> good, but bad and uncomfortable too. I remember driving 24 hours down
> to Texas, dreading my grandma hugging me, even though it felt good and
> I think I wanted to, but I was embarrassed too.So talked about why
> that hug was so uncomfortable to me. Well I was never hugged as a
> child and he believes that when I was hugged by her, I felt trapped,
> and worried she would hurt me. I am like wow, I never thought about
> that's why.
>
> So we go back to trying to comfort me as a child. Still stuck, and
> then that is when I came to the realization I didn't know how because
> I was never comforted as a child. He said that is what he was thinking
> too, he said it tells him just how much I was missing as a child.
> Because intellectually I know how to comfort my own children, but when
> it came to just imaginaing comforting me as a child, I didn't know how.
>
> Then I thought about when my grandma died when I was 13, I tried to
> hold in my feelings of sadness for so long and I ignored the ulegy so
> I would cry, I used to be punished when I cried. Well when they went
> to lower her into the ground, I just lost it, and was crying
> uncontrollably. And NOBODY offered ANY comfort. I never felt so alone
> in my life. So yeah, getting no comfort or love, that was my
> childhood. He want me to sit with those feeling,s because they are
> new revelations to me. I am just in awe really, kinda numb, but kinda
> like an open wound has been opened. I feel okay, not overwhelmed or
> anything, but I guess it was just a wow moment.
>
> At the end of session we do a positive affirmation with EMDR. Mine
> this time was I am good, I have needs. Well I had trouble with it, I
> was saying the words, but I couldn't believe myself. Well I could
> intellectually but not emotionally. He said that was okay, we will get
> there eventually. So wow, I can't even say to myself that I am good.
> I understand it in my head, but I don't FEEL it. And I guess that is
> the root of my insecurities. (another wow moment)
>
> I think I need a nap, good session, but I am exhausted now, will write
> more later.
>
>
poster:frida
thread:808729
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080114/msgs/808758.html