Posted by Dinah on January 18, 2008, at 21:10:53
My therapist seemed struck with the difference between me today and Tuesday. A few days at the office, with headaches and overstimulation and sugar lows, has totally robbed me of my confidence and exuberance. I barely even remember Tuesday, never mind remember what feeling confident and exuberant felt like.
Now I feel so discouraged. Sure I felt good, but that's because my life was quiet. Add the least bit of disquiet to it, and I fall apart.
I guess it's possible that it's the transition that's bothering me. Once I learn new habits, things will be ok again. I can't even figure out quite what's so darn overstimulating. Our office is not exactly a bustling hive of activity. Yes, there are flourescent bulbs and people moving around. But no one's shouting (or at least not the last three days). And the bulbs aren't flickering that I can tell.
Maybe it's just the stress of knowing that I can be attacked at any moment. Well, attacked might be a strong word. But people can come up and disturb me while I'm trying to concentrate. Or catch me in the halls to ask me questions about stuff.
I was so enthusiastic about going back to work and getting lots done and being caught up. Now I'm afraid to wake up in the morning.
I hate hate hate this about myself.
And I blew my therapy session entirely. Muttering too low for him to hear. Phrasing things in ways he didn't quite understand. Staring moodily into space.
And he's unhappy about something I did, which will add more overstimulation at a time when I already have too much. He was trying not to fuss at me since it was near session end, and he doesn't like to fuss at session end. But I can hear fussing in my immediate future.
I really hate this about myself. How can I change so much so quickly.
poster:Dinah
thread:807510
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080114/msgs/807510.html