Posted by TherapyGirl on January 11, 2008, at 6:49:09
It didn't work out -- again. I told my T last night that just one time, in my 45 years, I wish someone would pick ME. I wish someone would ever feel strongly enough about me that it would be ridiculous to NOT pick me.
I get that I'm not reprehensible -- I have lots of friends who are GOOD friends and clearly like me. But it doesn't go unnoticed that NO ONE, in my entire life, has chosen to partner through life with me. The only times I've had a partner at all are when I expect so little and give so much that it suits them -- for a time.
I had high hopes for this relationship -- it was way more equal, the signals were flying both ways. And yet, at the end of the day, I still didn't get picked. And it's just not enough.
I asked T last night if she would ever be okay with me committing suicide (I was careful to say there were no imminent plans) and she said no. She did allow later in the session that she does believe sometimes people are terminally emotionally ill, but she doesn't think I am one of those people. I think she just can't see it because we've been together so long.
I really, really hate this. And I can't just keep picking myself up and going on. And I can't just accept this lot in life. I really, really don't want to. It's just not enough.
poster:TherapyGirl
thread:805676
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080101/msgs/805676.html