Posted by wishingstar on December 9, 2007, at 10:07:32
I've been with the same therapist for about a year and 2 months now. Before her, I've had a long list of therapists over many years. Therapy only got serious in the last few years though so there are only three (all in a row, including this current one) I'd say I have really connected myself to or engaged with emotionally.
Here's my problem. I become friends with all of them. No, not the "let's get coffee this weekend" kind of friends, and not the kind where they tell me long, indepth stories about their problems or homelife. I wouldnt call any of them unethical in any way. But we get to a place where we laugh a lot, joke around, and generally keeps things pretty light all the time. I go in and the automatic topic is often my boyfriend, because the story is somewhat dramatic (and surely interesting). He's really very oblivious in some ways but current T and I can see through his behavior pretty easily. We spend a lot of time talking about things related to him.. how dumb xyz was, why he'd do something etc... which may be valid sometimes, but is often more because it's just purely interesting than because it's important to my therapy. Another favorite topic is to talk about my clients at work (I'm a social worker). Rarely are they relevant to my emotional world, it's just interesting. It's interesting for me to talk about as well.. shes the only one I can tell the details without being in trouble ethically. But still, not "therapy". I know the logical answer is "tell her you want to talk about xyz then!" But our relationship has evolved to a point I dont really feel comfortable doing that. I dont say anything to her I wouldnt say to a friend. I'm now pretty conscious of her feelings and "keeping it light".. our relationship just doesnt include deep, dark feelings. It certainly doesnt include things I'd be embarrassed to talk about.. feelings that were selfish, needy, etc. I like her a lot as a person and I know she likes me as well. We'd be friends in any other context. The topic always stays on me but overall, it's just someone fun to talk to. As things have been slipping for me recently, I havent really told her. I know I need to, but it just doesnt "fit". Looking back, I cant believe I ever called her in crisis. I could never do that now, any more than I'd ever call any other random person in my phone book. I'm in a romantic relationship that I know isnt great for me and really should probably end. She knows all about this, but we dont talk about how much it hurts, or how it feels, to be treated the way I'm being treated. We do talk about the arguments we've had, or the ways I've successfully maneuvered to get what I want without him knowing it, etc.. but nothing that matters. If it's not interesting and if we cant laugh about it at some point during the hour, it's off the list. This all works great when I'm not really depressed, but when things get "real", it doesnt work at all.
I know I've had a big role in creating this as well, but now what? My last two therapists before her... the story was different, and the effect was different, but the bottom line was still that I had gotten past their typical boundary lines without them knowing it. One, who I'd been in cotact with through email for years, eventually realized it after offering to be my professional mentor and backed off. But it took years. That relationship was in no way harmful to me, but Id definitely gotten to a point most clients dont get to with her.
I think part of it is that I do work in the profession (I was a counselor and now work for CPS). In a way, we're on the same wavelength. We move in the same professional circles. I'm very good with insight and can tell any of them why something happened the way it did, why I feel something, etc. Emotionally though, I'm on a whole differnet plane. I tell them this, but maybe theyre not able to make sense of the discrepancy. I tend to get along with people very easily in "the real world" and people tend to like me. Making true friends is a whole different thing, but thats beside the point.
I'd love any thoughts on this. As my relationship is getting more hurtful, and my depression seems to be peaking its head, I'm becoming aware that seeing her wont help with any of that. I see a therapist, but Im not in therapy.
Now what? Switch therapists? I guess I could, but given that some variant of this has occured with the last three, I dont have a lot of faith in finding useful therapy. Like I said, I know I have a role in creating this problem, and I'd stop it i I could. But here we are.
poster:wishingstar
thread:799699
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071204/msgs/799699.html