Posted by Wittgenstein on November 24, 2007, at 6:50:45
In reply to i don't think my T knows how bad it really is, posted by star008 on November 24, 2007, at 5:16:41
Hi Star,
You seem so alone - I've been feeling pretty alone myself lately (haven't been able to post - just can't when I feel this way).
I don't think it's easy, regardless of your T's response, to talk openly about suicidal feelings - when I've had these feelings strongly, the most part of me doesn't want to share them and sabotage my plans. I haven't had these feelings really strongly for over a month but still I preoccupy myself with these thoughts and yet don't find time to mention them in therapy. I was once one of those patients in ER - I don't know if the people found me selfish - I didn't do what I did to hurt others - I just couldn't bear my own pain anymore, that's why I did it. I don't know if that's why most people do these things, but certainly in my case, I didn't want attention - I felt I was beyond any kind of help.
I imagine when you know your T hates the very word suicide it must make it even harder - why does he hate this word - has he explained what he means by this? Have you ever been able to talk about it with him? Do you have arrangements in place - my T has said that so long as we work together I must not act out on these things - although in a way that just feels absurd to me.
If you are having these feelings, it's really important to try and talk them through (but you know this) - it will make you safer - I was very very alone when I acted upon my thoughts - untouchable, so now I try to make sure, even when I feel my worst that my T has some perspective on where I am.
I'll try and answer your questions: How to tell him? If talking is too hard, write it down, just like you did - give it to him on paper - or bring up the topic in the third person - discuss how his aversion to the very word creates problems for you and your openness with the topic. Perhaps all T's hate the word 'suicide' - it's one of their worst enemies and they care about their patients. But this doesn't mean it doesn't exist and should be avoided - that this way it will go away - the very opposite. You shouldn't feel wrong or afraid to talk about this with him - you have every right, and perhaps by doing so he might get glimpse of the pain you are in.
I hope this doesn't make things worse, and please take care.
Witti
poster:Wittgenstein
thread:796800
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071120/msgs/796802.html