Posted by Tamar on November 8, 2007, at 21:10:28
I'm finally getting to the point of beginning to think my therapist is just a bit dense and slow on the uptake at times, which is an improvement on the idea that he's deliberately avoiding some of my material! It's taken three years, but I think it's progress...
A couple of weeks ago I mentioned for the second time that I love him. Just like the first time, he completely ignored it. Then the following week he asked me a bunch of questions about my perceptions of the relationship, and then right at the end he told me he wanted to know my perception of the 'specialness of the relationship' because the previous week I'd said I loved him. And his ears went red as he said it; he looked embarrassed. I actually laughed and said, “Is that unusual?” But inside I felt like I was dying.
So then last week I told him I found it very weird that he'd completely ignored me when I said I loved him and that his only response was to quiz me on my perception of the relationship. I said it didn't make any sense. Why didn't he ask me directly how I feel? Why didn't he ask me what kind of love I feel, and whether it feels good or bad, and stuff like that?
He said he hadn't realised I'd been hurt at his lack of response to my telling him I loved him. Well, actually I didn't expect any speeches from him; a nod of his head in acknowledgement would have been fine. But his facial expression didn't change, he didn't move a muscle, and he didn't give any response to my words at all. I find that lack of response very disturbing. I told him so last week. He says we should talk about it more.
He asked if I'd felt rejected, and oddly I didn't. I felt like he didn't understand me at all, and that's what hurt. After all this time... I wanted a response. I've had three years to work through the hard stuff by myself. I know he doesn't love me. I don't expect him to love me. I don't expect him to say that he loves me, or cares about me, or whatever. I just keep hoping that he doesn't feel disgusted at my love for him. I don't know what to do with an unwanted, meaningless love. I don't expect my love to be returned or reciprocated... but if he can't accept it, what then?
I've been reading a couple of books I've found really helpful. One is "Learning from our mistakes" by Patrick Casement, and the other is "Between Therapist and Client: The New Relationship" by Michael Khan. Both books seem to be aimed at therapists, but as a patient/client I found them useful.
I'm seeing him again tomorrow afternoon. I don't know how I'll get through it. This love thing seems to be the main topic on the agenda. I want to hurt myself. But for the first time in three years I think I can talk about it without fearing I'll kill myself. That's progress too, right?
poster:Tamar
thread:793993
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071105/msgs/793993.html