Posted by RealMe on November 6, 2007, at 23:19:12
Therapy today, and I have numbed myself for the past week and a half due to some things at home and also because of some lab tests that came back not so good. I have to do more tests, and I have been scard. So I had to numb myself about this too. T has been helpful with the home front, and today I talked about some things haveing to do with religion and my husband and UUism, and also half way through I told him about the lab tests and results and laughed an said maybe I wouldn't be seeing him that much after all as one of the major reasons for the test results is cancer. So I was trying to play it off as I don't think this is the case. I think it was a fluke or one time anomoly with the lab work. Anyway I was laughing, but T was not laughing at all. I kept saying, "what, what, you look so serious." We talked about that and why I can't seem to get to bed early, and I said I don't know what is wrong. I only slept three hours last night.
So, then before I left I said something about next week I would need a new script for my Parnate. He said we should talk about the meds next week, and just before that he had told me he would be gone the Friday after Thanksgiving plus December 7, 11, and 14. Then I expect he we will not meet on December 25th either. plus for eight days in the beginning of December. So after I left, I started thinking he meant for me to start weaning myself off of Parnat and then I started thinking he wants to do this so we can end therapy. I know I am probably and likely going off on some stupid misperception, and I know he is going to tie it to his going away, but I think it has to do more with the medication issue. Actually I don't even know what he is thinking about my meds. Maybe he wants to add something not cut back.
So I wrote an email to him about what I wouldn't say in therapy which was no big deal and told him I have been feeling just numb about everything, and so I could understand if he felt maybe I should forget therapy for now. Actually, when I think about it, I guess this is NOT what he meant at all, but it seems I take a simple comment like "we need to talk about your med's" and make it an end of the world comment, so to speak. I don't like taking meds, and if we can work togehter with me off meds, that would be great. I was able to do that in the past.
Anyway, so then the more I thought about it, and he did not respond to my email, then the more sad I felt. Of course I have told him before it is probably best not to respond to my emails because I distort or misperceive what he says. So, it is likely this is why he did not repsond.
I just don't think I can make it to Friday, though. I may email him again tomorrow. I hate feeling that I depend on him. He seems to bring out the worst in me, it seems. At one point today, though, when I said something about what I was doing last night, I said oh it was nothing, and he kind of laughed, and I said, "okay, I just don't want to say." And then he laughed and said he wondered if I was blushing again. I said no, and he laughed because I felt my face getting hot, and then I said yes I am. I know he likes me, and I like him, but I am also scared of him. Don't want to get so close and depend on him. Depending on people means you get hurt and sometimes hurt badly.
RealMe
poster:RealMe
thread:793707
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071105/msgs/793707.html