Posted by Dory on October 20, 2007, at 17:08:24
i'm not doing so great. :o( Some things happened IRL that kind of hit me hard.. feel like i was starting to make it to the surface when someone handed me a rock and i sank again. Can't seem to let go of the rock.
i'm not hurting so much as feeling overwhelmed. i tried to just get out for a while today.. it's been a hard week and i was so lonely last night. i just went downtown to be around people.. get a coffee.. but it was a mistake
i have had this happen before... lights are too bright, everything seems on overdrive.. i'm hypersensitive to everything... and i'm on a hair-trigger.. feeling the need to hide, get away.. but i can't.. i can't get away from the stuff in my head. If i stay away from stimulus then i am alone with the monsters in my head and i can't bear them now... i left one message for T, plan to leave another.. he has never seen me like this.
my mind feels squeezed... i can't think straight. i've been having anxiety attacks over and over for a couple of days... that hasn't happened in a while.. i have had an occasional attack but this is happening several times a day and i am exhausted from it..drained.
need dark, need quiet, need peace but i can't.. they won't leave me alone.
i'm sorry i am so whiny.. sorry i am so fragile and sensitive.. i feel so sorry that i am alive
i am so afraid that my life can never be recovered... never come close to what it could have been. why was i born like this? what was so wrong about me?
i need someone... can't process.
i see pdoc monday, but he is not gentle. Can't see T until Tuesday.
i've been invited out to someone's house tonight... don't want to go, want to sit in the dark... don't know which is better or worse. It would be company, distraction and i can drink myself into oblivion where the monsters can't reach me... but i am so hypersensitive.. so scared i will freak out and not really have a good reason to flee.
2mg klono at a time.. high tolerance so it's not helping.. taken almost 6mg already..
imagine being buried alive.. you can't breath, you can't move much, you can't see... clawing, scratching at the coffin lid.. until your fingers are bloody... it you make it through the mud will just pour in and suffocate you anyway
when does this get better? does it get better?
poster:Dory
thread:790364
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071009/msgs/790364.html