Posted by reese7194 on September 25, 2007, at 18:20:47 [reposted on September 27, 2007, at 1:04:41 | original URL]
hi. this is a question that i guess has no answer. it's something that has been eating at me for quite some time but have been able to push it away and call it b*llshit and just something to bitch about.
okay. this has been growing in- intensity over the past few years. before i thought it was just a part of who i was to go a long period of time without intamacy. what i mean by that is sex, making love. in the past it has been years. but i was able to fool around with someone. if i did ever have sex with them which i did very few times i would want to cut myself to pieces afterwards.
the only time i was able to was with a girlfriend / someone i truly cared for.
my explanation for this was simple. i only wanted to sleep with people i was seriously involved with etc...
but this theory seems or feels like it has become somewhat i have trouble believing because my ability has grown even more intense. i can not even imagine or fantasize of making love. or almost any intamcy.
but it is not physical. physically everything is fine. which i am fortunate since i have been on every med known to man at this point. even strange off-label meds that are never given out.
since i can remember from when i was fourteen i found orgasms to be extremly painful. emotionally. like falling from a building. when i got older the effects of utter crashing and the utter need to cut myself would come over me. i have always been a cutter and have always had huge food issues. when i got older the crying began after i orgasmed and the others as well. huge guilt, cutting etc after. crying. cutting.
now it has been a year since i have made love / sex with something i find odd or scary about this is the fact that this has become normal and not a long period of time. but this is absurd.
i am not a bad looking guy. i am terrified of girls / women. very shy. but of recent i have without choice found it impossible to even think / imagine having sex. it is a wall i can not see over and can find no logic from where it came from.l.
i have given thought of possibly seeing a therapist who might specialize in something like this. i have no memory or if there is a memory it is the idea of someone. not the action.
okay. i apologize if this is off topic which it is.
poster:reese7194
thread:785449
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070916/msgs/785449.html