Posted by ClearSkies on September 26, 2007, at 13:30:58
I stayed in an abusive marriage for 18 years, and I haven't forgiven myself for it yet. I used the "L" word (the rest of it is "oser") in describing myself today in therapy and it still is how I see myself. Self Esteem board notwithstanding.
I don't even think that having closure could have helped. Yes, I got divorced, but I never heard the words "what I did was wrong," "I hurt you," "I'm sorry for what I did," and I get angry about it, in some way it seems, every day. It has telegraphed its way into just about all my out of proportion reactions to every day stressors. My trauma from verbal and emotional and yes physical abuse that I stayed silent about for 18 years. It's an entire lifetime. I've even remarried, become sober, am finally getting somewhat stable on medication, and I'm not over this stuff. I can't even read the book my T wanted me to read about verbal abuse. I get a couple of paragraphs down and I get all mad and lose my concentration and can't hold the words together.
What I'm angry with about myself now, is that I think with so much time past and with the events long gone cold, that if I'm feeling victimized, that it's something I'm doing to myself now that is perpetuating that feeling. I'm no longer being abused or in an abusive relationship. But I'm acting, and reacting, like I'm still a victim. So I really AM a Loser since I'm being a victim and I'm not even being abused any more.
I'm crying buckets over this. My T really doesn't want me to push this beyond trying to read the book, and noticing how I'm feeling (when I react like the victim again). I'm going to try reading a random chapter this afternoon. But I don't see how the words are going to settle now when I haven't been able to read them in the past. I can't even link to the book. I have probably posted the book link previously, I don't even know.
CS
poster:ClearSkies
thread:785318
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070916/msgs/785318.html