Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 24, 2007, at 17:14:01
In reply to Re: If the above post is unclear, and sorry its LO » muffled, posted by Dinah on July 24, 2007, at 16:58:39
Sorry muffled, I'm going to quote you
"
I just was thinking mebbe this is coming from a certain part of me. I think there is a part of me that’s rather self destructive. (if T ever reads this she gonna laugh).
**Well really. She should laugh. You spent a large part of your life trying to self destruct. Any ideas why this is so?
-Well, first thot that comes to mind is that mebbe I trying to kill a bad part of me. Or mebbe the part of me that hurts so bad, mebbe it drives the self destruct. Or mebbe I just think I too gross to live? Or mebbe I just too lazy, so I just wanto give up? Or mebbe its punish, cuz I bad? Mebbe some of all.
"Did you know this stuff when you started T several years ago? I bet you HAVE learned a lot about yourself. I think what Dinah says, about having a companion along is really important. It means that there is someone you can count on to be there in the really really dark moments. The moments of shame when you know you've messed up. Someone who won't be repulsed by self-destructiveness.
I have this feeling that you have learned a lot about the process of self-discovery during therapy. I know that what you share with me has helped me understand myself a lot, so thank your therapist for me, okay?
I want to drink too when I'm in a bad place. I cannot tell you how many of your lines resonated with me. The disgust of looking at pristine flesh when all I feel is rot. The shame of looking at the scars and the cuts and knowing that there was a choice and I made the wrong one. The silent suffering. Will I have the guts to tell my T on friday? I feel even more shame that they are so superficial.
So much dirt.
Wanting more memories must be very difficult. I have some memories, and some of them are very ugly. I also have some blanks. Times and people are reversed, but the feeling of life-threatening terror is there. It stays with you- that feeling of having to watch, constantly.
you are a good mom, better than a "good" mom, actually. You have taken a big step towards being PRESENT for them. Judging by your responses to my woes, I know that you are good at recognizing the big troubles from the daily struggles.I know that you have a big bag of tricks you use to soothe and calm others. You are very blessed in many ways. You share your blessings and caring and kindness with others too. You are definitely not a black hole where all goodness of the world gets sucked in and disappears into a quagmire of loathesome sludge. You may FEEL tainted sometimes, but you are who you are- look at the people you surround yourself with. Would they choose to be with someone who is tainted?
Therapy is so hard. you've got to take a big breath sometimes and dig in and really ask your T about specific parts of your faxes- what does ___mean? How come I feel that way? Is this normal? How can I work on this? It's okay to want more answers, but inevitably the mind is a mystery. the more clues you find, the deeper the mystery grows. But the clues in themselves can be satisfying and fulfilling.
your friend,
-Ll
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:771625
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070714/msgs/771695.html