Posted by frida on June 29, 2007, at 3:54:25
In reply to Re: Clarification -- more triggers » fiji, posted by DAisym on June 29, 2007, at 1:43:38
((((Antigua)))) ((((Daisy))))
Reading your posts has made me cry.
It's hard to respond because I feel all this too....I just wanted to send support and say that it helps me to read ....it really is so painful and hard.
You were so brave to put this into words.
Frida
> (((Antigua)))
>
> You were very brave to write what you did. I can imagine what it cost you to hit the submit button. You are not perverted, it sounds like you are caught in a cycle of body memories, triggered over and over again.
>
> In all the work you've done on the fear, do you know what it is? Is it fear of being caught? Is it fear of liking it? Or did something happen after the sex that was hurtful or scary?
>
> The other question I have is are these waves solitary or are they triggered when the possibility of sex exists? If the feelings just come over you, finding the trigger seems important. You sound like you are on the right track - trying to separate the pleasure from the fear. Knowing it is Ok to feel pleasure in your body is both an intellectual and primal exercise. Lots of people who weren't sexually abused are ashamed of their sexual needs, or likes. Our society in general tends to send messages that those feelings are not OK, except in the middle of the night.
>
> And of course, as a survivor, there are the conflicting feelings of hate and love. You hate what he did. You loved him. What he did hurt you emotionally and yet it felt good physically. The internal conflict is huge and holding on to conflicting beliefs creates chaos. It is so hard to tolerate that kind of anxiety and fear - for me, I feel like I'll just shatter around it. I'm learning in therapy that tolerating my love and my hate both take work.
>
> What is it exactly you are trying to figure out, Antigua? Do you want to be able to experience pleasure without fear? Do you want to understand the fear? Or do you want to rid yourself of the uninvited waves that pop in out of nowhere? I think you have to answer those questions before you can proceed.
>
> Trying to work things out sexually is a really hard part of healing. I'm not doing a very good job of it -- and it is something that is very hard to talk about. Again - you are so brave for posting about it. I hope we can keep talking about this.
> Hugs - Daisy
>
poster:frida
thread:766397
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070628/msgs/766634.html