Posted by gazo on May 26, 2007, at 10:23:19
i don't cry.. not often anyway. but i am sobbing so hard. i don't know what to do or think.. i hurt so bad.
Up until last week i thought i knew exactly what i wanted and exactly how i felt, where i stood. Now i am lost, so lost. It was not what i expected at all. The old person i knew came to visit, not the one i grew to dislike. Imagine someone you loved who had died just showed up at your door. That's what it has been like... i am torn apart.
now imagine that loved one had died a long painful illness, and it made you both suffer horribly. You have a choice... say goodbye to him/her and let them fade away again, or run the risk of them dying the same way all over again, putting you both through tremendous pain.
that is where i am. oh god this hurts so much. i am all alone today.. no one to turn to. i don't know what to do. It wouldn't feel as pressing except there is an opportunity for that loved one that would make his/her "afterlife" so much better.. without me. i can't put someone else's life on hold, but i couldn't be a part of that afterlife either... i have to make choices soon...
oh god what do i do? who do i turn to even? i can't talk to T.. and now i listen to that voicemail and i resent him.
what is going to happen to me? i have so few choices in making a life for myself... do i want to do that alone? do i screw up someone else until i decide?
i am such a screw up. i try so hard and all that happens is that i suffer more... and i make everyone around me suffer. i really am poison.. i feel bad he ever met me. Why was i even born?
please...dear god..make this stop.
poster:gazo
thread:759621
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070525/msgs/759621.html