Posted by Wittgenstein on May 24, 2007, at 8:33:19
This is gnawing at me. I was away last week - I had to go back to my home town for some practical things (my partner came with me) - I also saw my pdoc while I was there. It was difficult because I ended up staying with my parents for a few days (long story but something I had hoped to avoid) - like having salt rubbed into raw wounds.
Anyway, I saw my T a few hours before I took the flight. I couldn't concentrate at all or feel anything. The session left me feeling horrible. I would have felt happier sitting in a room on my own for an hour. Every time I plucked up the courage to say anything, I felt it was met by a cold wall, and whatever he said seemed to lack any understanding. I felt like just getting up and going.
When I enter and leave, he always shakes my hand. I wish he hadn't bothered when I left last time.
It irritated me when he made the remark "It could go badly with your parents or ... it might just be fine. I guess you have mixed feelings about it." - I was terrified about seeing them again - the last contact with them was very difficult and he knew it. When I saw my pdoc he was shocked I was even going to see them and immediately tried to work through some coping strategies if things got really bad - the last time I saw him he had helped me plan my 'escape route' as he put it by intervening with my father, so I could get away. This time he said just the right things to make me feel supported and understood.
I'm back in Holland again and have an appointment with my T tomorrow. I wanted to cancel it. A part of me doesn't want to go back (I know it's crazy - I've only seen him a few times and he's meant to be very good so I should stick it out) - I just feel annoyed and don't know how I'm going to be able to talk about it - I have a habit of just 'disappearing' when things get like this - I hate confronting people if they've upset me in some way.
Oh, and for an update on the tissues... I asked about it (which took a lot of courage)... he immediately leaped out of his chair and ran and started rummaging through a draw in the dresser at the back of the room. I quickly said, "no, it's ok, I don't need a tissue, it was just a question!". He returned with several traveler packs of tissues (you know the ones people keep in cars), and dropped them on the table between us, saying, "yes I have a lot of tissues". He apologised for not having tissues already out - even though he hasn't had any on display at any of the appointments so far. I was rather hoping he'd have a 'proper' box of tissues to hand.
I then asked if it would be ok if I ever cried in T and he asked why it wouldn't be. I explained that I would be hit for crying in front of my grandfather, my mother always responded with rage and my father didn't respond at all. To which he said with sarcasm, "you don't think I'm going to hit you, do you!?". This just made me feel stupid and regret bringing the topic up.
Should things be like this in T? I know I can be hyper-sensitive and I should give it a chance - feelings can shift quickly - but I just feel negative. How am I supposed to trust this person and divulge things if the response lacks understanding? No one is perfect of course but compared to the pdoc he couldn't have handled it worse in that last session - probably it's more my fault, I don't know.
Sorry this rant was so long (!!) and thanks for reading :)
Witti
poster:Wittgenstein
thread:759202
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/759202.html