Posted by gazo on May 21, 2007, at 11:56:54
i'm trying.. i've tried. All i am doing is repeating the nonfunctional patterns from RL. i keep trying to connect with people here, and IRL, and it doesn't happen or something goes wrong somehow.. my fault, not theirs/yours. Then i just try harder, get louder, more demanding... emotional screaming as my T says. It hurts like hell but it never helps anything.
So, i am officially leaving Babble. i don't fit no matter what i do. i'm the sore thumb. Please don't anyone get their knickers in a knot, it isn't meant to offend anyone.. i honestly feel it's something wrong in how i interact.. or fail to interact or something. Even when people try to connect with me it short circuits on one end or the other.
i'm aware that if i stay i would just scream louder and push even more people away. i don't mean to or want to, it's how i am right now. Working on that.
So right now babble is bad for me, because i am bad for babble. i need things around me that are about me.. or that's how i feel and that is NOT good in a community environment, for anyone. Babble isn't safe for me, life isn't safe for me.. nowhere is safe anymore.
you guys have been good for me in many ways, especially in chat. i appreciate it. i envy the connections you seem to be able to form... i sincerely do. i'm a freak and likely always will be. My T says it's not so, but we have only just begun.
it's going to be a hard road for now.. current situation combined with T on vacation. Life is as clear as mud. i just know i have to go.
maybe at some point i'll get my sh*t together and be able to connect with people.
much love and peace
poster:gazo
thread:758591
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/758591.html