Posted by muffled on May 11, 2007, at 22:56:31
But I can't quite put a finger on it...frustrating. This is from my journal:
I wrote bout someone struggling...
I thinking. I don't struggle. Or do I? What a strange thot.....I wouldn't have said I struggled...maybe I am mentally a little FU, but not struggle...weird.
Like T say last session, she say it was hard......hard? I don't understand that. It was not hard. There was some discomfort perhaps, but not much. It passed. Hard? No.
I feel there is something I supposed to see here...something I not getting....
Like I would not say my life has been hard, but I would say I have HAD struggles......this is weird. I do not struggle yet I have had struggles....
But no hardness. Sigh. I dunno what I'm missing here, maybe one day I will figure it out.
Maybe its got to do w/the fact that all my difficulties in life are my own fault. I hurt myself w/my drinking. My mental health is my body, which I am responsible for. So maybe thats why struggles don't fit. Cuz struggles sounds like a cop out, I don't struggle, I get what i deserve by my own genetics and stupidness. Maybe thats it.
And if That Kid gets weird feelings, and if its history is of me? then the feelings are not really valid, as they are deserved. They should not make me feel sad or pity that kid, cuz she is of this body, and whatever happens/ed to this body, well, this body got what was comming to it. Genetically, mentally, intelligencely speaking. Therefore all bad feelings that this body has are deserved and should be borne with dignity. They are our penance, and we will carry them. They are our load alone. Even if we dunno whats in that sack we carry, we must carry it. If we stop and try and look at it, cuz its heavy, then we get in big sh*t. It is our sack. Our responsibility. We must carry it, no complaints. SHUT UP. NO complaints. If stuff leaks outta it, never you mind you stupid f*cker. Never mind if its on your skin, stop freaking, shut the f*ck up and keep going. And NO you will NEVER see in that sack. NEVER. And NEVER forget, whatever happens, you deserve it. You always do.
?????????????????????????????????
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:758019
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/758019.html