Posted by gazo on April 24, 2007, at 10:06:42
we talked a bit yesterday about my inability to call him.. i told him that i felt like i'd be wasting his time or abusing the resource by even using it at all. Obviously he said that wasn't the case and he believed very strongly i would never abuse it. i honestly don't know how to get over the fear of calling him. Sunday i actually went to a pay phone and called his number.. i didn't want to call from home in case he had caller ID. i figured he wouldn't be there but i was afraid he might have stopped by his office or something... i wanted to see what happened. It rang three or four times before it went into voicemail.. so i don't know, does he normally pick up if he isn't in session? Does it always drop into voicemail? It was comforting just to hear his voice.. which is scary to me, because it means that his voice actually **means** something to me. i am terrified of needing him.
this is the dumbest i have felt in a long time. i mean, what's he gonna do? he's not going to laugh at me or hurt me over the phone. This is insane.
but he said we needed to deal with this because had i been able to call last week i could have prevented some of the bad things from happening. Back in December i saw my pdoc for an emerg appt... and i was frantic. He said one simple thing which totally calmed me, he said "you don't have to do anything right now." Meaning about the situation i was in.. i didn't have to make any big decisions right then. That is all i would need from my T now. Just something simple to break the spiral.
He said it was far better i call than not.. he said if he felt i was over-using it he would tell me... but he'd rather i called.
he said he knew i had big big big trust issues (did i mention big?). He knows i write, and i bring him something every week.. so he wants me to try and write about what is happening when i get into those bad spaces and begin to spiral. Yeah, good luck with that dude. He said it's up to me to give it to him or not.. but the discussion would start with how i felt about giving it to him, ie the trust in him.
i'd appreciate any feedback on how to build the trust... how to get to a point that i could call him.. what did you guys do to get there? how do you even say on the phone what is happening or why you are calling? Are you able to say you're frantic? or are you like me and as soon as you talk to someone you act all fine?
poster:gazo
thread:752985
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070419/msgs/752985.html