Posted by Honore on April 18, 2007, at 9:43:32
In reply to im back, posted by wishingstar on April 18, 2007, at 0:18:45
Hi, Again, WS.
I'm not sure there really is an in=group here-- you know? I'm not in it-- and sometimes it bothers me-- or I think there is one, and there are all sorts of interesting conversations going on, maybe off-babble, that I'm left out of, so I feel somewhat deprived of some more intesne type of connection that others have.
But, honestly, maybe it exists-- but probably it doesn't-- I 'm not sure anyoen knows, or feels tht they're in it-- even if they are-- you know? We're all pretty much people who struggle a lot and don't feel terribily good, or accepted--- even if it's easy to forget that about each other.
You probably aren't aware that of the people here, you're one of the ones I've thought about and responded to most. It's true, that my responses never seem to give you what you're looking for, and there have been times when I've thought it wasn't a good idea for me to respond, because it seems to offend you-- but I do want you to know that I've been aware of trying to connect to you, given my own limitations in connecting and being as thoughtful and non-judgmental as I;d like to be,
I don't say that to hurt you or mak eyou feel guilty-- I've done it and will continue to because I like you and want to-- whether you like what I say or not-- if it doesn't feel right- don't feel you can't say so. I know it's very hard for anything to feel right now.
I know that Ginny's backing out of her commitment really destroyed your trust and sense of her caring. It would have done the same to me. You do really need, not just want, twice a week sessions. And the loss of that is not an imagined loss-- it's a real and important one. Maybe part of the problem is that she hasn't fully acknowledged how much of a loss.
Whether that's her limitation, or her defensiveness, or what-- I don't know. But it is terribly important for that to be acknowledged, rather than glossed over or minimized.
Maybe it is too late now, unless she realizes on her own-- I know you've tried very hard to communicate that she needs to do more to help you with it--
But I think-- even if this really is pie-in the-sky=ism that if you could put together something-- even not the ultimate T relationship--because I don't think this will be that one for you-- but something workable, something that gives you some support, i- maybe it could give you, in some small way, help through this passage to the next place in your life. Maybe that's not possible, but maybe, if you look for them, there are small flashes of connection with her, despite the loss of trust. If she's so totally let you down that those are too scary, maybe talk with her about how much you don't even want to look for any good with her now-- and see if she has any ideas, or emotional rapport with you, about that.
I'm sorry Ginny isn's the one-- and that you can't see someone twice a week-- when you need that.
I know you feel terribly judged about the :"needieness"-- but it isn't anything to be ashamed of. It's something that you need to see is okay, and can be worked through-- not judged or criticized or "controlled." (It's hard to live with-- and it's hard to stay within the strict boundaries of therapy-- when you feel it-- but it's not something that makes you bad.)
I'm glad you're sticking with her, though, even if it isn't what you need-- because I woudn't want you to be without some support, and connection.
You're got a lot of ideas about how things are-- and maybe over time, you'll come ot see that there are other ideas, or feeling/ideas-- more forgiving of yourself, more able to see meaning and what is potentially satisfying outside you.
I spent lots of time feeling the way you did-- and Emsam and abilify and a combination of other drugs is the one thing that really has changed things for me-- so maybe stick with the Emsam. Use topical cortisone-- prescription strength if you need it-- and try maybe some other drugs with it. Combinatoins sometimes are needed.
I hope you can stay somewhat connected here, despite the roughness of this place. Or find other places that are better-- but mostly try to nurture those things you've already created-- like the relationships here-- even if they don't, at the moment, do what you need them to.
Honore
poster:Honore
thread:750780
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/750983.html