Posted by muffled on April 14, 2007, at 0:10:47
In reply to It was freaky, posted by PhytoEstrogen on April 13, 2007, at 22:41:11
> to hear my T tell my husband (who came in for a session yesterday) about my issues.
**:-( Sh*t.
>
> Made the abuse seem more real, more horrible than I was prepared.**Reality SUCKS. Fantasy is better. But it done make the pain go away...I am still in fantasy.
>
> She talked about how when I'm in one of freaked out modes that I'm really just a toddler, or a 5 year old or a 7 year old or a 9 year old or a 13 year old or a 15 year old until I got the hell away from my house.**yeah...
>
> I never heard her swear like that before.**:-) She MUST care for you.
>
> Until I got the hell away. But I haven't really.**SOME of you HAS got away....some of you is stuck..:-(
>
> Does this mean I have parts. I resist. you know that muffled. You know how badly i resist being taken back to a time when I didn't have my independence.**Remember, this splitting, and part stuff, lies on a continuum.....
Knowing I had parts was for me such a gift. It was introduced so kindly (with involvement of my higher power). I met my baby, God, she was SO sweet, my heart melted. It was a pure sweet untainted part of me. Then they all shut up, it was kinda funny. Dead silence in my head for days.
But now I am not perpetually confused. I was always so lost. NOTHING made sense about me. But now I can make some sense of stuff. And there's parts of me that function very well indeed. But unfortunately, there are those who do not.
But at least now I can deal with stuff ALOT easier, before I could do nothing bout nothing, all was confusion.
I think people feel splitness differently to themselves.
I don't know if you are split.
Do you ever have times where you've read what you've written and it seems rather strange to you?
See, I guess when I was in my confusion I wasn't able to notice stuff, but now I can.
Ummmm.
Do you ever find yourself behaving VERY differently to the way you most commonly act?
Like for me, Toughie talks low, is physically tense and alert, swaggers some, swears alot, and generally acts like a pubescent boy trying to be tough (when really they are most likely actaully afraid). Physically it feels really good to be toughie. My aches and pains go away. I am physically stronger.
I wish I could explain it better for you.
Maybe you could just ask questions and those of us thats split in our own various ways can try and help you with some our own personal perspectives.
>
> I'm in pretty bad shape right now. I think it helps that my husband is starting to "get it". I have very strong urges to do bad things on a daily basis. Things that will destroy me or my ability to succeed. It's so hard to go on right now. I just want to hurt so bad. And I have to keep going. One step at a time. One little task at a time. If I think too much about what lies before me I turn into a ball of whimpering mincemeat.**Thats a good question to ask your T. WHAT are you supposed to DO with all the pain????
Cuz I dunno the answer to that.
My thot is to get a punching bag and some gloves and whale away until you are physically spent.
Go to the forest where theres noone around and scream yourself hoarse?
Basic self soothing techniques...
Just being around people often is a good thing.
Or getting lost in a non-triggering book.
And hows the meds doing???Any tweaking requiered or best to let it be for now?
Can you imagine a kinda stupid but pleasant future? Like make it not terribly realistic, but fun to think of? Like becomming a spacewoman and living on Mars? Or becomming a sheep farmer in Tibet?(do they have sheep in Tibet?)
Or living in the forest in a cabin w/your hubby and living off wild game?
And let yourself go with the ideas. When you start to sweat bout the future, pick your favorite silly future and have fun with it.
The past is history, the future is a mystery. I heard that somewhere....
Take special care and don't you hurt my Phyto. Phyto is good. Phyto is hurting SO bad right now. But Phyto GONNA BE OK. Phyto has strength insida her, like a core of steel, thats carried her this far. This core of steel is still there. Phyto got a great team backing her.
Muffy (((((Phyto))))>
> I'm going to go turn in now. I've been thinking so hard that my eyeballs bleed.
>
> :P
poster:muffled
thread:749637
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/749673.html