Posted by 10derHeart on April 12, 2007, at 0:08:57
In reply to Re: 10derheart... (long!), posted by Daisym on April 6, 2007, at 18:47:07
<<<<<We've kind of talked about this before here, but it is so true that the body image stuff is super hard to talk about. I always ask myself, "what? You think he can't see what you look like, even behind the couch pillows?"
So funny, because today we got into this a little bit. (I can only stand a little bit at a time, it feels so....sad and pathetic) And when I was talking about how it's so hard to force myself to deal openly with this subject, I took a couch pillow and put it in front of me( something I do a lot in t. anyway, depending how exposed I feel)
I said that talking honestly and directly about physical appearance reminded me of the way I like to clutch the pillow. That if I do that, somehow it'll cover up something I'm saying, or doing, or being, and though I'm revealing pain and shame or whatever, he won't really "see" me IF I keep the pillow there - lol. I told him the actual speaking aloud, specifically, about being overweight and feeling ugly and unattractive and more, made it way too real. Like if we just left it some sort of elephant in the room, I could stay in the place where I imagine he doesn't see body size or doesn't notice - or something. But saying words about it made it way too much a fact.
The interesting part was trying to address the fact I was afraid of offending him, or him projecting my distaste toward myself onto himself (he's overweight, too), and that had been holding me back for months on this subject. He didn't say as much I wanted to reassure me he understood, but I guess it was good for a start. It was so hard to pick through that mindfield of mentioning his body appearance....that is not something I really want to do, not like that. But I had to go there. He's called himself "old, out of shape and overweight," recently, when talking about some conversations with one of his own doctors, and I told him how this had made it easier for me to bring this up. We aren't even done with that part of this, I'm afraid. It'll have to be revisited.
I sure stared at the table next to me and my hands a lot today. I mean where *do* you look when you are both acknowledging, albeit in different ways, that the other person is basically - fat? You don't look below the face, and that's even bad enough, although my T. is pretty good at looking unfazed by anything I say about him.
>>>>>>Why can't we believe that people will value us, even when there is too much of us, externally at least?
I know. And for me it's not even that so much. It's like anything else, I can and do look right past that, every day, with everyone I know, heck I honestly forget some of my friends' body sizes the majority of the time, but to look at myself that same way seems ridiculous and impossible.
>>>Or an even bigger question, knowing how well I do projects, why can't I make myself a project and do better with me?
It's so hard for anyone, even a project master such as you. For so many reasons where our weight and moving our bodies with exercise, paying attention to how they work, all that, could feel connected to old stuff, and dangerous, I think. In other words, it may not be a simple project in the here and now.
For me lol - well, my ADD manifests by me hating to start anything long term or with different phases, being nearly incapable of planning steps, stopping when it gets the slightest bit tedious, only sporadically finishing things, and getting completely distracted - over and over. So, framing weight loss and/or exercise as a project - even the word triggers me to start procrastinating right NOW!
>>>I've sort of decided that I don't like having a body so while I'll dress it up and take it out, I don't really want to acknowledge it, and I can't work on it and ignore it at the same time.
That is so insightful, Daisy, that you completely know that is how you view this. And going back to the touch subject in general - kind of hard to have and accept the natural need to be held, etc., while at the same time not liking having a body that can receive touch and one that you'd rather ignore, isn't it? <sigh> Talk about conflicting needs......
> I looked into touch therapy a little bit. We have someone here who does holding therapy - the head and the neck - no movement, just gentle firm holding. It is an interuterine thing, but it makes a lot of sense.
Hmm, I don't know anything about that kind of therapy. How is it an interuterine thing? Sounds like the therapist would have to be really , really good and sensitive to what that might trigger in all sorts of people. Sounds wonderfully intriguing and awfully frightening all at once.
>>But I just can't. I'm not ready to make myself do it yet.
Understandable, totally.
>>I wish I had a grandmother whose lap was available.
Lovely thought, that. Neither of mine, when alive, was physically affectionate much, though they were warm in other ways, but my mom was a big hugger and that was good for me.>>I have taken Racer's advice about the cats though. I make a point to sit with one of them on my lap every night for awhile. It helps.
Good. My "baby" of 16 years sleeps with his body touching mine in some way every night, purring loudly. In fact, this cat is so affectionate, I've often accused him of being part dog. He's had his fur soaked with my tears many times, and puts up even with that, poor thing. It does help - a little.
> I'm glad littleone enticed you to post. Isn't she sweet?! And I'm glad you posted. It is nice to hear from you. Keep pushing yourself, Tender. You are doing really good work. And I hope your therapist heals up quickly and with little pain.
Yes, littleone is the best! Thanks for saying that about my t. work - I think so, too, but then I get so frustrated it's slow and seems unfocused. But my T. isn't the slightest bit concerned, which then worries me that he isn't paying attention to the big picture, (like don't I have to terminate someday?) and is just "used" to me coming whether anything good is happening or not. Doing my job in the room and his, too, as we like to joke :-)
He was alright today, has to wear an arm sling for a long time, but says he's in zero pain. But I know he's uncomfortable and I still can't hardly stand to look at his arm too much. Though it is truly a minor problem, it makes me sad and causes an ache in my chest. Because I want to kiss it in a motherly way and make it all better *now,* and for him to not have to feel fear, pain - ever. To protect him from everything. And no doubt we'll need to talk about that more, although he tried to settle that down today with several proclamations of, "I'm fine. I feel really ok, or I wouldn't be here." Blah, blah, doesn't change my emotional reactions one bit.
Thanks for all you do here, Daisy. You're a gem :-)
poster:10derHeart
thread:746947
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/749236.html