Posted by PhytoEstrogen on April 10, 2007, at 20:38:07
In reply to Re: my T told me I was difficult » PhytoEstrogen, posted by sunnydays on April 10, 2007, at 19:34:36
A letter to my T. I'll give it to her next session
*****
I just started crying and took a swipe at my arm with the seam ripper. Thoughts and feelings
Thoughts: What did she mean when she said it was difficult when I expect her to read my mind? Does that mean that I amd difficult? Does that mean that she doesn't think I'm being honest with her? Why/Ho can I be honest with her when I'm not even honest with myself? I don't have what I need and I don't know what I need. I don't know what is motivating me or my actions right now I feel so lost. Then I feel hopeless
Feelings: Anger. but I don't know where/who to direct it at. I caused all of this. I could stop all of this and quit life, therapy, being. Why do I hang on? Disorganized upstairs. Little things bother my. Why would an ambiguougs one-liner make me sob? Make me start to cut when I have been so good for so many weeks.?
What stopped me from cutting? I know it would be so satisfying at some level. But who would I hurt? Anger & hurt go togehter. angry at husband for not rescuing me. anger at myself for expecting the impossible. why why is this so impossile. so mad i can't take care of myself. so tired of worry guilt anger
I don't want *just* attention. I don't want *just* help. I want everything, now. Why can't I stop being so demanding. I'm such a bitch. I want someone to read my mind. I want sometone to tell me it will be okay.
I'm tired of taking care of myself. what happens if I stop? my mind says "not the answer" my heart is sick. says : make them pay for what they have done to you.
what price? intact skin on my arm? my life/ part of me is always punishing myself. part of me is always punishing THEM. my work as punishmnt. failure in my life as punishmnt. cutting and OD'ing as punishment.
Why can't I just BE?. Why always in reaction to another's actions. help. I don't want to be that preson. I don't know who I am or who I want to be. Meed a lighthouse: don't know if I'm far out at sea or dangerously close to rocks.
poster:PhytoEstrogen
thread:748837
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/748895.html