Posted by wishingstar on March 21, 2007, at 17:58:16
Just an update for anyone who was interested...
I did see my T on Tuesday and tried one more time to tell her how I feel. I was pretty blunt and very honest.. was riding mostly on confidence I'd gotten from Laurie's call the day before. (Did I post about that? Laurie called me on Monday and we talkef for awhile about this again.. and she encouraged me to be honest, told me she was proud of me for how hard I'm trying with Ginny, etc).
Given the circumstances, I think it went pretty well. I didnt leave feeling much safer or with any warm fuzzy feelings like I used to, but it went better than the last few sessions have. I told her it seems like she's screaming "please go somewhere else!" at me and we talked about that. I think its partially true, because she is frustrated and feeling stuck, but partially me overreacting, as usual. She agreed to stop telling me "you have other options other than here" after every word I say, so hopefully that'll help. I told her she cant expect me to automatically trust her 100%, and she said she knows that. I still feel like she wants me to. I feel like she wants to just move past this (as do I) but forget it happened and pretend like things are normal again without dealing with the real issue.. not because shes avoiding it, but because neither of us know how to deal with it.
I've pretty much shut myself off from her and oddly enough am not terribly upset about it anymore. I know it's not that I've moved on though.. I've shut down. I'm good at that.
I'm wondering if maybe I do need to move on. Like I said above, I feel like we're starting to get past this particular crisis, but the underlying issue hasnt been touched, and I dont know how to get to it. Neither does she, I guess. Except with Laurie, I've never really been able to hit anything that feels terribly deep in therapy. It's always surface stuff. Dealing with the symptoms of the current crisis, not the deeper stuff that is causing me to be in this place to begin with.
I see Ginny again tomorrow. She has this brilliant idea (eh) that I should make a collage with her of things that feel safe to me. I'm not so interested in that idea. It doesnt feel very productive, especailly when the space itself doesnt feel safe. I also see Laurie one last time next Tues.. Ginny will be gone all that week.. and also my pdoc on Friday.. since I'm STILL not on any meds at all, even with the hospitalization a few weeks ago. Finally.
I really miss the old Ginny. I know shes still there, but it doesnt feel like she is. I'm not sure it'll ever go back to normal because I dont think this will ever feel "resolved" to me completely. I didnt realize it before, but I think just knowing that she was there, and that I had this safe, stable place, was helping me get through a lot of things outside of therapy. I'm missing that feeling a whole lot.
I'm still not sure where the line is between.. shes just wrong.. and this is all my issue. It's somewhere in the middle, I know. You all (and others in my real life) have said how it seems wrong that she'd cut back right now, but her and Laurie both seem to think it's fine and I'm overreacting. I just dont know. How do you know who the crazy one is? Hehe. I guess it doesnt really matter. Once you get the borderline dx, everything you do is "just borderline stuff."
poster:wishingstar
thread:742959
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070309/msgs/742959.html