Posted by mair on March 15, 2007, at 21:47:29
Today I met with my T for the first time in about 3 weeks. The first 2 weeks of the break were fine because I was away and I tend to be able to better distance myself from my usual demons when I'm doing something different from the daily grind. This week, however, has been brutal - as soon as I got back to work, I fell victim to all of my worst triggers and I've been spending most of the week telling myself how worthless I am.
I was trying to explain this to my T, but I'm always reticent about giving her examples of the specific things that happen at work to trigger so much negative thinking. So it was pretty obvious to me and to her that I was struggling to give her more specifics and as is typical, I was trying to work myself in the direction of opening up. What came to mind and what I blurted out was that I didn't want to talk about any specific examples of what was happening at work until I knew what her reaction was going to be. This is pretty stupid obviously because it's a little hard for her to react to something which hasn't yet been revealed.
I think sometimes that I'm so convinced that I'm evaluating something correctly, I know that she will view my analysis as being irrational, and I just don't want to be challenged.
What is this? Am I just wallowing in my own misery? Maybe she and I have just been working together for so long that I know exactly how she'll react and it's not what I want to hear. Usually people don't want to hear the critical stuff - I can't seem to handle, or at least accept, the non-critical responses.
mair
poster:mair
thread:741425
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070309/msgs/741425.html