Posted by Daisym on March 13, 2007, at 1:39:27
I fell apart tonight in a way that I haven't for a few months. As much as it hurts to tell the stories, or as scary as it is to feel the rage, nothing compares with the loneliness that descends sometimes.
There was a death in my family a week or so ago. The impact was significant and all my siblings and I gathered together to support our mother and take care of things. But being with them felt suffocating to me. There were too many triggers and too much free floating grief -- sometimes I just had to get out of there. I found myself furious at all these people who knew me as a child -- why didn't they see I was suffering and stop to find out why? Was I so unimportant that I wasn't worth a second glance?
And I'm furious with myself for making it all about me. Why can't I put all this crap aside for awhile and just be there for my family, be with them as we grieve together? And some how I've lost my internalized therapist. He can't go with me around my family. They mess up everything that is important to me so he has to stay hidden from them, so that they don't take him away from me. But I feel angry with him too -- why can't he protect me from this enormous hurt? I hate this artificial relationship in which I feel safe for a little while. But reality comes knocking and there is no way to ignore the limitations of his care.
I made a list of stressors, trying to prove to myself that I have enough reasons to feel this bad and this overwhelmed:
1) Death of a loved one
2) Huge business crisis that has dragged on for 2 years without resolution and just when I thought that finally, finally we'd be done with it, I found out today that the rules changed in December and we aren't done with it.
3) just finished three separate audits at work and now we have a state site visit (tomorrow). So therapy gets pushed aside. Again.
4) getting a divorce that includes a custody battle
5) someone forged a check and drained my checking account. The bank agrees it is fraud and will put the money back, (in 10 days) but I had to close the account, cancel the credit cards and re-open everything. So I have no checks, no ATM, no CC, etc. for a week or more.
6) flashbacks, memories and other fun fall out of csa
7) I'm dreaming over and over that I've killed my therapist. All the ways are different, but inevitably he ends up dead. I wake up and that is it for sleep for the night.
8) I have three major presentations over the next 14 days that I'm not ready for.
9) I have my PhD fellowship project due in a month and I'm not done with that either.Yeah -- just shoot me. Even I can see that this list is too long and would make anyone insane. I'm going to finish self-medicating and put myself to bed before I can do any real damage. Thanks for listening,
Daisy
poster:Daisym
thread:740611
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070309/msgs/740611.html