Posted by wishingstar on March 5, 2007, at 17:36:17
In reply to Re: going to the hospital- new update » Phillipa, posted by caraher on March 5, 2007, at 14:09:05
Hi everyone.. thanks so much for your support and kind messages while I was away. Caraher did read them to me over the phone and it was nice to know you all were thinking of me. :)
I guess I'll tell what happened. I went to the ER Thursday night around 10 and spoke to the psych emergency team. The woman let me decide whether or not I wanted to be admitted, and I chose to stay. Got up to the floor around 1am or so.
Being there was okay. Friday morning I woke up and stayed in bed most of the morning and just cried. The first day or so I enjoyed not having to be responsible for myself and the safety of being there. But as time went on, I just got really frustrated with some of the ways they do things. I could go an entire 24 hours without one person (except for other patients) asking me how I was doing, if I felt safe, etc. Some of us complained about this but then when they did speak to us, all the nurses had an attitude of "I'm doing you a big favor by talking to you".. and that really stung the place in me that feels worthless. I cried most of that evening too. By Sat evening I just wanted to go home.
They started me on 25mg of desripramine (one of the tricyclic ADs) Friday night. I was fine Sat morning, but then Sun morning woke up with a high heart rate and low blood pressure, and my pupils were dialated. The doctor told me to keep taking it anyway. Monday morning (today) I woke up and all those symptoms were worse.. my blood pressure in the morning was 78/44 and my pulse was up to 145. It dropped some after I'd been up awhile, but the dr ordered 1mg of ativan to slow me down. Interestingly enough, they let me go about an hour later and never did check my pulse or bp again. I'm feeling really frustrated about the meds situation. I'm scared to keep taking it because the pulse/bp problem seems to be getting worse every day, as the meds build in my body. And I'm only on 25mg, and the lowest dose considered to be useful is 75mg.. triple what I'm on. So theres really no way 25mg will help, even if I get past the side effects. And now theres no one here to check my pulse and bp, so I wouldnt know if it was off. I think I'm going to stop taking it and just call my dr to try and get in earlier. The dr that was there was an idiot. He also tried to force anti-anxiety meds on me... every time I got meds, there was one in the cup. I never did take it.
I guess in some ways I feel better for having gone to the hospital. It was nice to be able to relax and not worry about the things I should have been doing. But I feel worse in some ways too. It was just one more attempt to get help that didnt really pan out. I didnt even get stabalized on a new med. My next pdoc appt isnt for another 7 weeks. It makes me feel more hopeless when I know that even going to the hospital isnt going to be helpful. I guess before I had this sense that it was always there as a last resort, but really, it's just not helpful. I kept a pencil with a sharp metal edge in my room the entire time for cutting. I never cut, but I did burn myself with the eraser once. Bad, I know.. and I'd have rather talked to someone about how I was feeling.. but they just werent available to talk to. Thank god for caraher who called me every day and my T who called me twice while I was there.
I got released around 11 today with a "no, I'm no longer suicidal" (not true).. but I thought about it, and talked to other patients, and we agreed that if I was totally honest about whether or not I still felt suicidal, it could be weeks or months. Those thoughts just dont disappear in a weekend. But anyway, after being released I got home, showered and changed clothes in about 30 min, and went to work and met with a kid. That was hard. No time to destress or process what had just happened to me at all. But it did get me back into the swing of thnigs quickly, so I guess that's good.
So that was my experience. I gave my phone number to a few people who were there, so who knows, maybe a few new friends. Thanks again all of you for caring.. it helped me to know that you all were out there.
(((everyone)))
poster:wishingstar
thread:737457
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/738550.html