Posted by Reggie BoStar on February 19, 2007, at 23:46:50
Well, my concerns about SSDI and a host of other things were symptoms of another slump in the making. I'm Bipolar II and am at the end of a hypomanic cycle.
I'm worried that this is going to be a bad one. The last time this happened, I slept through the end of Novermber, most of December, and half of January. The longest marathon was 66 hours of sleep interrupted only by trips to the john and bottles of Ensure.
What scares me about these periods is that I had to be taken out of a really long one in 2005 by undergoing ECT. I don't want that again.
Also, there are some pretty fatalistic thoughts around the corner. What the hell, I'm already recording them in my therapy notebook. They're very bad thoughts. Some of them include regret that I sold a gun I once had in 2003. That's as far as they go, though. My therapist will see them Thurs if I'm not already in the sack by then.
The last few nights, and most of this evening, I've already had what I call "gut depression." This is a sudden attack of severe depression that makes my gut feel like it's being tied up in knots. Triggers make this happen. Usually I don't get over it until I wake up the next morning.
When I'm sleeping in for days, it never goes away.
The triggers are things that would make me sad in hypomania. In depression it's magnified over and over until the only thing I feel is that gut twisting and extreme drowsiness.
This evening's trigger? Here goes. This is going to sound adolescent for sure.
I went to an AA meeting. There was an absolutely stunning young woman there. I've seen her there before, even know her name. I always feel sad seeing someone outstanding like that, but wasn't ready to have the usual sadness turn into a gut squeeze the moment I laid eyes on her. I got through the meeting by keeping my eyes away from her and on the speaker as much as possible. My insides didn't stop twisting though.
Told you it was adolescent.
I should have been prepared when I went out onight because I knew I was headed into the dumper again.It works the same way when I'm suddenly confronted by any type of trigger like that. A few days of a squeezing fist in there, and then I'm in bed. If I don't come out of it in a month or two, it will be ECT again. December was a close call.
Right.
Reggie BoStar
poster:Reggie BoStar
thread:734368
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/734368.html