Posted by Lindenblüte on December 1, 2006, at 10:55:53
In reply to Re: I did it. I did the hard thing, posted by muffled on December 1, 2006, at 9:32:21
Teaser: if you can make it through this tedious introduction, I will tell you what my new Dx is...!
So, I had about 3000 words that I wrote concerning what I understand about my relationship with Mom. I wrote about how it hurt so bad that she never showed me her love or affection until she was sure that no one was looking. In particular, if she hugged me or told me I love you when my older bro was around she would feel obligated to show him that same love. For a long time bro and my mom didn't speak, because bro was angry at my mom, furious, in fact.
Bro and Dad would get mad when mom showed me love or affection, because they said it was a demonstration of favoritism, and that it wasn't fair. Consequently, I still cannot get any comfort from my mom saying "I love you" or "I'm very proud of you". She says these things a lot, particularly at the end of phone conversations. I always feel very uncomfortable when I hear that. It feels wrong and dirty.
I also do not feel safe expressing love and affection around my family members. If I show someone love and caring, that will be attacked as stupid, my vulnerabilities will be exploited, and so, what's a little girl or an adolescent to learn? She learns that it's dangerous to show love, or to feel love. That someone in my family will feel envy, jealousy, or injustice as a result of my feelings. That I have no defenses in the face of older bro and dad with their violent tempers. If I showed affection towards my dad, Mom would be resentful, because he was such a lousy parent, and often tried to "buy" our love. Sometimes she would even get angry if we preferred to do something with Dad instead of her.
I am more and more comfortable showing love and affection towards my friends and husband. Even towards my baby niece and nephew. BUT, when my husband and I go to visit the family, I always feel wrong to hug him or show him my love. It feels like I'm breaking a rule, that I'm dirty.
It's also really hard for me to show my feelings with ANYBODY, which is why my current T and my oldT often remark that I'm somewhat disconnected emotionally from the words that come out of my mouth.
Teams developed at different points in my childhood. First there was the older bro - Dad alliance to further his mathematical genius and bring glory to our household as a middle schooler. (Never mind that I was left out of the tutoring, the math team coachings, or the out-of town trips to the competitions and math genius camps. Nevermind that I assumed that I did not possess innate mathematical genius, that my talents for foreign language and violining were not considered impressive or worth fostering to my dad... baggage, huh?) Later teams included me, older bro, dad, younger bro vs. mom (who was largely absent because she was working odd shifts, like the 3pm to 10 pm shift). In order to get fed and get transported, I had to remain in Dad and older bro's good graces, and this involved participating in disparaging tirades against my mom and things she held dear. I hated ganging up on her though. I hated seeing the hurt in her eyes. So, at some point I decided to start sticking up for her. This is when things got really bad for me. The older bro-Dad alliance was stronger than ever, my little bro was hanging out with them because they were more fun. Meanwhile mom was struggling to extract grocery and gas money from my Dad. Whenever it came to an issue of "someone has to sit next to mom" or "someone has to run mom's errand" or "someone has to make sure mom gets her message about the doctor's appt." It fell onto ME. oh, Li you do it, you're mom's precious daughter (sneer) she loves you more than us anyways. The guys often ended up doing a lot of fun things like go-cart racing, eating out, shopping sprees, trips to the arcade... that kind of stuff, because dad had money (actually credit) to burn. Meanwhile the mother-daughter "team" was left in a position of being ignored, dominated, ridiculed, etc. I was very resentful of my mother during this time for not having more power. Power to discipline my older brother when he lost his temper and beat me. Power to demand that Dad share financial resources towards running the household and raising THREE children, not just his protege.
That consumed a lot of our discussion.
The other big topic was how hard it was for me to "fit in" in my world. I told T how I was utterly unprepared to go to summer camp when I was 5 and 6 years old. How I didn't make a single friend all summer long at either one. How I felt such deep shame because I was not cool like the other kids. How I felt such deep shame because I couldn't figure out how to be accepted. How I couldn't even make myself LOOK like a regular kid (wearing my older bro's hand-me-downs) and I was so tall and big that I figured that my appearance would never allow me to lead a normal social life. How my mom never took the care to make sure her little girl was adequately dressed and groomed for school, that her homework was done, or even that she had a ride home.
My T said that from what she's heard, Mom pretty much gave up much of the role as "mother" and didn't really do much to help me get around in the world. She didn't give me the social skills to help me play and make friends. She didn't worry about where her daughter was, until it got to be dark, or dinnertime.
T said that I've been on my own for a very long time. And that I'm very brave, and that I'm very strong. She said that we both know I'm intelligent, but that I also must have learned to be very creative.
Why is it so hard to hear my T say these nice things about me? Why does it hurt my heart so much to hear her say that I was showing a lot of courage to share these things with her? Why do I feel so exposed to hear her say that I'm smart, and intelligent and creative? Why do I feel so guilty when she says that I'm strong?
All I ever learned is that to cry is bad, to share feelings is unfair and immoral, to hear kind caring words from a woman my mom's age means that my defenses better be up.
The other stuff we talked about concerns how my mom has so many of the classic behaviors of an ABUSED woman. We talked about where she might have learned these behaviors, and what the consequences were, in terms of failing to protect her children denial of any wrongdoing on the part of the abuser, etc etc.
T has said it 5 times now. Every single session. "What we know, Li, is that the first step in healing this relationship [between Mom and me] is for the mom to be able to admit that abuse took place, and that her child was traumatized. The mother must be able to admit some personal responsibility. If the mother cannot admit this, than you will not be able to truly forgive her. Li, do you think your mother will ever admit that these things took place? That you were abused?"
The truth is, I DON'T KNOW. There are moments when my mom drops the act, stops acting on her delusions that family harmony is restored and that the past was merely some kind of temporary stress.
"Would it help you [tell her] if you told her that *I* [T] think your diagnosis is post-traumatic-stress-disorder?"
"Um, maybe."
"Do you think that you have PTSD?"
"Yes, that makes a lot of sense to me"
"I think that your depression is one symptom of your disorder, but the overarching pattern seems to suggest PTSD. "
-Li
I seriously lost about 4 oz of tears.
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:709219
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061123/msgs/709331.html