Posted by Lindenblüte on November 28, 2006, at 21:52:37
In reply to Re: I tell my T hard stuff tomorrow, posted by Phillipa on November 28, 2006, at 20:45:15
You guys are the greatest. Seriously, I needed a little happy thoughts right now.
So exhausted... running on fumes all day today, 'cause I didn't get much sleep and I didn't have appetite and I was here and there and everywhere.
Um... I kind of chickened out with my T. I told her about my Thanksgiving, and then about my stupid vacation planning arguments with my husband, about my best friend from high school, about how I wrote in my journal for an hour out by the beach over T-giving break, how I cried, and, more about how I spent my holiday.
So, how is "Li" doing, she asked me about 20 minutes into my monologue, very directly. I deferred. Told her I was happy. Told her I was stabilized on my meds, and getting work done, and maybe I shouldn't upset the boat by stirring up all this muck. "Muck like what" And then more details of how my brother would threaten to tell my friends about my shame, how my brother hit and pushed my mom, how I called the cops, how my dad told my mother and me that we could never say anything bad about my brother, because then they would have to send him away [to a mental institution] Oh yeah-- did I mention that my brother was a psychotic teenager?
I told her how I could never tell anyone at school about this, because my guidance counselor was also my brother's guidance counselor. How I couldn't complain to my dad, because he would take the side of the mentally ill son who didn't know how to control his feelings. How we all had to walk on eggshells so that brother wouldn't attempt suicide AGAIN, and end up somewhere where chronically suicidal people end up (where is that, by the way? This was never made clear to me as a teenager. Now I suspect it was at least 30% paranoia on my father's part-- this myth of the power of a single slip-up by younger sister to send brother to long-term lock up, and her family into ignominy and ruin)
I told her how there was no one to talk to, except my husband, and my therapist, and there's this group of people online, a support group, and I tell them stuff sometimes. We all have our own issues, but that helps me. (no comment from her by the way, which is exactly what I intended, by mentioning it so briefly) And about how I'm kind of disappointed that my dissertation data so far do not present a slam-dunk case, and how I've had to scrape together a presentation very quickly, and I'm not sure how it will be recieved. (It was received well. The only person falling asleep was my advisor, who still manages to ask on-topic questions. I'm kind of pissed at her though-- come ON! She's more worried about scheduling her Christmas Party than staying awake for her students dissertation stuff. geez. gimme a freakin' BREAK!. I'm pissy about that.
now, that was a good long update on how I spent my afternoon. I'm so sorry that I've been busy and out of touch. If it consoles you any, I've been out of touch with myself too.
I'm scared to dive back in and revisit the darkness of my first 17 years. But, I DO love my mom, and I want her to be part of my future. My best friend called me this evening, and told me that she's expecting her first baby. I'm so happy for her... And yet, I know that when(if?) that time comes for me, I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to be feeling towards my mom. I want to have a mom who will take care of me, and who will be there for me when I'm freaking out about a wandering uterus or whatever. Mom's said as much too, but I don't know if I trust her with my vulnerabilities. I'm so used to being cheerful, competent, dependable, and independent. I'm so used to our lack of emotional intimacy, but I know that unless we work on it, we will only drift further apart.
As far as my dad's concerned, I don't really give a flying fig what happens to him, as long as he doesn't suffer too much. I wouldn't trust him alone around a baby or a toddler for 10 seconds, though. I've seen how he reacts to a crying baby, and it's not pretty.
Well, I started out thanking you all for your kind wishes. I expected maybe a response or two, but I'm so genuinely touched that you all thought of me. And then I proceeded to spew my issues.
Did I mention that I haven't been in touch with my emotions? Well, maybe that's a good thing, because today would have been a very roller coaster day.
and now, good night nice babble peoples
-Li
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:708094
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061123/msgs/708416.html