Posted by Reggie BoStar on November 22, 2006, at 0:23:03
Well, here we go again. A family dinner looming; 3 hour drive to get there through some of the worst traffic in the country, some people I should see, some I'd rather not, and sick over it. I'm sure I don't need to go into details over what "sick" is in this forum.
I wish I could just cut that chord and not go without guilt feelings but it seems the only way to keep that guilt away is to suffer for a day in a place I'd rather not be. The aftermath is always the same - empty, nothing accomplished - but not guilty, just regretting I went.
This is all old news to a lot of people no doubt. A lot of us have been here before. I just had to post and let off some steam.
It's too late now, but tomorrow I'm going to call by sister and back off. I've been advised by my pdoc that if I do bail out, I should at least notify my sister ahead of time, rather than leave her hanging until Thursday morning.
This is one of those situations that has no easy way out, just another depressing situation for people like me to get through somehow.
What's unsaid between me and them is that the only reason I stay alive is to keep from devastating them. I don't think they realize how much
work that is. But if I outlive them, the moment they're gone I'm gone too, and good riddance to this complete waste of time. When I wasn't disappointing or hurting someone in some way, I was doing nothing. Not one thing at all.Whenever I hear some head-in-the-clouds fanatic, or "conversations with God" enthusiast, say something like "don't worry, (insert deity
name here) has a plan for you," the stock reply is "yeah, the plan is to be born, feel like crap for 50 some-odd years, do absolutely nothing else, and die. Great plan."Shuts 'em up every time.
poster:Reggie BoStar
thread:706048
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061109/msgs/706048.html