Posted by sunnydays on October 25, 2006, at 19:05:58
I had a good session with my T today. I brought up that it felt like he was getting farther and farther away. We talked about what I meant by that for a while, and then I got scared and we talked about what was scary in talking about my feelings for him for a while. Then he asked what I was thinking because I had kind of drifted away, and after much struggling on my part, because I have a lot of trouble saying things, I said, "Sometimes I wish you were my parent."
He made a very gentle, kind of reassuring sound, and then let me calm down a little, because I get really scared right after I say something big. Then he said that that was a profound compliment, and I was still kind of scared and I didn't say anything. He said, "Sometimes I wish I could be your parent too!" That was so nice. He told me it's perfectly normal to think that way, there's nothing wrong with it.
We had started off by talking about how I tend to kind of disconnect when I leave, and then afterwards it's hard for me because it feels like I've never been there. And he said he could see how it would be confusing, and tried to make sure I stayed connected as we were walking out. He even stopped and said, "You still with me?" before he opened the door.
He said that our connection never stops, that even though I'm not there, he still carries me with him. That that doesn't mean he thinks about me every second of the day, but that I'm memorable to people, and they carry me with them in their spirit. That just because I get something from someone doesn't mean it's one way. It goes both ways, and they get something from me that they carry around too.
And I felt good after I left, and it lasted and lasted, but now I feel really sad. I just wish he was my father so bad, and it makes me sad that I can't have that. I mean, he pointed out that it's natural I would feel that way towards him because he does care about me, and he asks me some things that fathers should ask, and he says some things fathers should say, so in some ways he's like a father. But I want him to be a REAL father.
And I have a big test tomorrow I should study for instead of feeling like I'm going to cry. Oh well, it'll work out... (I'm a fairly good student so it's okay if I don't necessarily study a ton tonight).
sunnydays
poster:sunnydays
thread:697725
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061012/msgs/697725.html