Posted by Damos on October 16, 2006, at 19:14:47
In reply to Re: ... i got a referral, though..., posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2006, at 23:46:16
Shhhh Alex, it'll be okay, you'll be okay. You wanna come and play cards or board games or x-box (I'd have to go buy one)? Puppy will play too. We can drink coffee and eat chockies. Could put on a CD and dance and be generally silly, or just be small and quiet, can just wrap yourself in a blanket and sleep, whatever you want.
Please don't hate you, please don't. You're good and kind and warm and beautiful and just the most amazing friend. And you don't deserve what has happened to you, how you have been treated. You deserve so much better.
I agree with what Li said, you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about - nothing. You did good, have done good. You did what you had to to take care of you. You let your T help you. You took a risk and tried to trust IRL. You didn't let yourself be taken advantage of. All of these are big things. Whether you think you handled it well or not, whether you think that what you talked about was appropriate or not, you did good and I am so very proud of you.
I'm not sure exactly what GG was thinking, but I suspect I was thinking pretty much the same. Alex there are times when being a man disgusts me and makes me so angry, and this is one of them. I was/am so angry for you. I hope you allowed yourself to feel angry about your trust being violated. There is no excuse for trying to take advantage - not ever.
Not everyone sees vulnerability and fragility as something to target, to take advantage of and exploit. Not everyone. Some see it as a reason to take extra special care, to be kind, to be protective, to take responsibility for not repeating the hurts, to validate, support and build up, to try and create the possibility of different ways of being, to love without costing you you.
Alex I had a conversation with a colleague a few weeks back that somehow got onto sexual stuff and she told me about having had f*ck-buddies and some other deeply personal stuff and we talked about my stuff too - some of it. Guess it actually started with my stuff (still not sure how that happened - don't talk about me ever, afraid of wrecking people). It was deeply uncomfortable for me and I was disturbed for days after (because of my stuff and the internal conflicts that arose). But it must have taken a lot of trust for her to tell me what she did and I value that so much. We were jokey at times and laughed with each other about some of it. But there was always respect, acceptance and validation - safety. As a result, the closeness and warmth in our friendship has grown, as has my respect for her in so many ways.
I have enormous respect for you too kiddo. Who you are, how you are with me and with others here. These things matter so much, mean so much to me. I value you and your friendship more than I can say.
I'm sorry you're getting the run around - must bring back some bad memories. But this is a new place, they are new people, try and give them the benefit of the doubt and a little time. Guess health systems everywhere are under enormous pressures. There are people who care for you and will do anything they can to help.
You have been hurt Alex, and you probably do need to cry, to curl up and sleep. Wish I could give you a place to do that where you'd feel taken care of and looked after. But the rumination can be dangerous and you know this. Maybe what you need is to explain, to explain what has happened to you. The mind loves a mystery, the unsolved, the unresolved. It loves nothing better than to churn and churn and churn this stuff. You don't neeed to explain anything to us, but you probably need to explain it to you. Write a letter, or a story about a girl (sometimes being in the 3rd person can be safer and less painful, reduce the emotional intensity)in whatever detail is comfortable for you, whatever works for you, no-one else ever has to see it.
Please take care of you okay. Let me know if there's anything I can do okay.
((((((((((Alex))))))))))
Thank you for being my friend.
Damos
poster:Damos
thread:693465
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061012/msgs/695384.html