Posted by happyflower on October 7, 2006, at 14:59:06
Through out my life as a child I didn't live up to my potential. But what is weird is that I knew I had potential but I couldn't show it or my mom would abuse me all the more for being "better" than her. I think my T is right, she is very jelous of me, even now.
So I hated open house at the school because that is where my sactionary was and to bring my mom into my "safe place" was terrifing for me. I was scared when the teachers would say nice things about me. Because in the car I would hear, well they don't really know how dumb you are, heck you still wet the bed. She even told my teacher that once, in front of me, I wanted to hide in hole. It was like she had to slam me to make herself feel better. When guys started to notice me and look at me, my mom said that was because I was acting like a slut. (far from that, believe me)
So even though I craved being loved and attention, I knew I would be beaten and berated as being really stupid if I according to my mom "show off". So I learned to do just enough to not get in trouble, but not do enough to bring attention to myself, becausue that would set my mom off.
So I would sit in class, and soak in everything, but I wouldn't study because I didn't want to do too well. A C was a good grade for me, because I didn't abused for "thinking I was better" than my mom.
So now I am in college, and you know what? My mom can kiss my *ss! Even though maybe I got an A- on my recent test, it wasn't a C, and I am going to do my best. Or I should say I am not afraid of showing I do know the material because as a child I had to "under perform".
But sometimes I still cringe when someone compliments me on an accomplishment. It is like I feel like that little girl, who was afraid of what was coming soon.
Geeze parents can really screw us up you know. Has anyone else experienced this growing up?
poster:happyflower
thread:692781
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/692781.html