Posted by annierose on September 22, 2006, at 15:33:33
I've been thinking about my reunion with my current T. Although our circumstances are completely different in that I'm the one that quit therapy (Pegasus' T moved away), I still had unresolved feelings about why I quit and her reaction to it.
Thanks to Peg, I finally feel I have that resolution. I spoke about it in therapy today for just about the entire session. I told her I felt discarded, that I didn't matter to her. Although she phoned me a week later to see if I would come back, my fantasy involved her trying harder (even though logically I knew it wasn't her place). She asked me to recall my feelings that day, what she said afterwards, etc. etc.
And then I had a lightbulb moment. She said, "I understand why you felt that way. My actions felt like rejection, instead, I was showing you acceptance. That although I disagreed with your choice to quit therapy, I honored your decision." That fit.
Then I told her that I needed to know more. What did it feel like, what were her feelings? She said she felt disappointed. I replied, "That sounds so clinical. A client you have seen for 5 years quits mid-session and all you can muster up is disappointment? That's not much of a feeling."
And then she gave me her heart felt reply. And that's what I've been waiting for since. She said a lot and it's hard to put her thoughts into words, but the gist of it was " ... it takes many years to become a therapist. There's the clinical training in school that doesn't teach you to deal with so many interactions. In looking back, I should have written you a note sooner [in response to my letters to her]. In my training, that would have been frown upon. As a person, a therapist, I have grown and matured and learned. I see how you internalized my actions, and it makes perfect sense from your upbringing. You were incredibility patient [she wrote me a note 15 years after I quit]."
Thank you Peg for helping me to force this conversation. And I'm thankful to my T for giving me her heartfelt thoughts today. It was for the best that I quit back then. I needed to spread my wings. And I'm so thankful that I am working with her once again. Like Peg said, after you form an attachment with a therapist, every other one you encounter can seem like a foster parent. They are doing their job, but it's just not "the one".
poster:annierose
thread:688220
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/688220.html