Posted by happyflower on September 12, 2006, at 11:35:13
I have been doing some deep thinking about my marriage and I have come to some conclusions but I still have questions because I don't want to make the same mistake in a future relationship. Our 13th anniversay is coming up in a week, and my marraige has been on my mind.
I know my T will want to start to do the deeper work on my childhood abuse, but I haven't been thinking about that as much as about my marriage.
I keep going back to the beginning when I first met my DH at work. I wasn't physically attracted to him, but after I got to know him I liked him because he was so nice. We weren't close friends or anything but would talk sometimes in the lunch room. We were both in relationships at the time, him 1 year, me 3 yrs.
This went on for about 1 1/2 years. What I learned was he was dedicated to his job, was a "nice " guy who everyone liked.
Well I left the workplace and finally saw him again at my boyfriends performance about 2 years later. We discovered that I only lived 1 block from each other, so he offered to take me home from some of the gigs since it was very late and we both had to work. Well one thing led to another and we have been together since. I was in dead relationship at the time, so I ended it the moment I knew I wanted to be with my now husband. Things happened very fast from there.I met his kids, exwife, family and all seemed to be good. His kids came to visit everyother weekend, and at first I gave them their space until the kids wanted me to be around more. Well he asked me to marry him, and I was so happy. Then things started to go downhill because people realized that our relationship was for real. We are 23 years apart. Which didn't mean much to us, because we had so much in common. His kids felt threatened mainly due to his ex wife putting ideas into their head. But anyways things got very tense and I started to have second thoughts. It scared me so I told him I wanted to elope instead of having the big wedding that we were planning. I think my gut instinct was telling me it was wrong. And our marriage was very hard with the stepkids, inlaws, then our 2 kids were born a year apart. We worked throught most of the problems even though I ended up being hurt a lot of times.
I think when I look back on why I married him is because I trusted him not to physically hurt me. It was hard for me to trust anyone, and since i knew him for almost 4 years before we got together, it helped me trust him. Looking back, I am like what was I thinking? He was so much older than me, had 3 kids already, and 2 exwives, a controlling mother from hell. I just think if I knew what I was in for, and I wasn't so damaged from my past, I would have not even dated him. But I learned to love him and I gave him everything. I trusted him, I counted on him.
But now that is gone, I don't think I can ever trust him. I look at him and all I see is an old man who is turning 60 this year. I am only 37! I look at him and all I see is him and his woman he had an affair with. I don't want him to touch me, it makes me feel repulsed. He still hasn't taken any blood tests for STD's and he hasn't gone to counciling. He thinks buying a Dr. Phill book is good enough.
The only thing that is good is my wonderful kids that we have had together. But my heart is dead. I don't think I love him anymore because of what he did.
I think I should of dated more after I ended my 5 year relationship with that other guy. I got my husband on the rebond. I needed that sense of security that my husband used to provide. But now there is no trust.
If I had no kids, my choice would be I would leave in a heartbeat. I deserve better but I can't put my happiness above my kids. My husbnd is a wonderful father other than treating me poorly. So it really sucks.So I don't know what to do. I really belive I was a very good wife to him, a good mother, and a friend. So why did he cheat? I guess what I have concluded, is that it wasn't about me, I didn't do anything wrong, it was him. Someday he is going to realize that I was the best thing he ever had and that he screwed it up.
So I think this should be what I talk about in therapy, not my childhood , next week. 5 days until my anniversary and I feel very sad. We planted a tree in our front yard for our 10th anniversary, I feel like chopping the damn thing down. I am tired of looking at it, but it isn't the tree's fault.
poster:happyflower
thread:685277
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/685277.html