Posted by Racer on August 12, 2006, at 0:52:00
OK, this is doctor related, and it may of course be triggering for some. That's a warning....
A couple of weeks ago, I started physical therapy and I'm currently in a lot of pain from it. Today I looked up the basis for the problem, and read a lot about "this is normal in young children, but if it hasn't corrected itself by 7 or 8, something really oughta be done..." Well, guess what? Nothing was done, in my case, and it's led to osteoarthritis, and hip pain that finally got severe enough to send me to the doctor for it. Thus, physical therapy and more pain. (Today it's hurting a lot, so it's kinda on my mind...)
Anyway, that whole thing got me remembering bad doctor experiences from when I was younger. My mother took me to UCSF, because it was a teaching hospital and so she thought they'd give better care.
They didn't.
I won't go into all the stories, because some are too personal, but they range from "only" humiliating, to abusive -- a doctor hitting me when I was 14 for screaming and crying when he tried to lance an abcessed tonsil without anesthetic -- to life threatening malpractice. And all of it left me feeling pretty pathetic whenever I walk into a doctor's office. And I'm more than likely to walk out saying, "Oh, OK, I guess my hip only hurts so much because I'm a hypochondriac with no tolerance for pain..."
And then I get home and hate myself for not being able to behave like a normal adult. For letting some idiot who had the money to go to school treat me like some sort of inferior being when it's all supposed to be about making me well.
So, tonight, thinking about the things that happened, I got into one of my old reactions: I just kinda go limp. It feels kinda like being boxed in, without any way to escape, and no way to move. It's really about how much of my life has been negatively impacted by these experiences, and feeling hopeless about ever receiving decent care from a doctor.
I do it in a lot of different areas, though. I just -- go limp. It's something I've seen cats do, when they're objecting, but not ready to fight about it. (One of the cats bit my husband today. he thought it was cute...) I think of a couple of possible solutions, and they won't work, and I can't think of a workable solution -- and that's when I go limp. "I'm so tired of fighting -- it doesn't matter anymore." Sounds like one of the cognitive roots of my depression, right? {sigh}
That's also what I do around medications, too. It's what leads me to decide to stop meds periodically: "I'm so miserable on this med, and it's causing as much trouble as the depression itself, so why bother?"
Ugh.
OK. That's enough of my drivel. Anyone else relate?
poster:Racer
thread:675765
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060808/msgs/675765.html