Posted by Daisym on July 24, 2006, at 23:59:29
In reply to worried..., posted by sunnydays on July 24, 2006, at 19:03:35
>>>>>So I had a session with my T today, and he was really nice. So why am I now scared he's mad at me? We talked about how things that were done to me in the past were not my fault, and how I need to start challenging those thoughts in my head. And we talked about how it won't make sense that it happened, but that that's okay that it doesn't make sense. But now I'm scared he's mad at me. And there's no reason for it. But I'm scared. I don't like this.
<<<<<If you are anything like me, the idea that I need to start challenging those thoughts, which are powerfully ingrained, gets twisted into, "you are wrong and bad to not already know it isn't your fault." I feel like I've revealed myself as a whiny victim who can't rise above it all and say calmly, "yes, it was horrible, but I'm past it. It wasn't my fault and there is nothing to be done now except accept that bad things happen, and move on." (Legs crossed, hands folded.) I HATE myself when the honest part pushes up and screams, "WHY?! Why did this happen to me? It doesn't make sense, there isn't a good reason...I NEED a good reason." Which really means I can't accept the random brutality that runs rampant in our world. I need the world to make sense. If it doesn't, how on earth will I ever be able to completely control things?!
I will wrestle that bone again and again...and ultimately reach the conclusion that my therapist is sick of me "whining" and is mad at me for not moving along faster in my healing.
And I think the idea of feeling angry and projecting it onto your therapist is certainly a possibility.
Sitting with all these old, intense feelings is really hard. What has helped before? I write...and write...and write. But I also don't have to sit with them alone for very long. I'm glad you posted so that you aren't alone with them either. Hang in there. It will ease off.
poster:Daisym
thread:670121
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060721/msgs/670241.html