Posted by ClearSkies on July 23, 2006, at 20:43:59
It started with my ill fated trip with my sister. I am in a mucky nasty pit with nothing but my own poisonous thoughts to wrap around me.
Trying to journal as my T suggested. So far it's making me feel a thousand times worse, to see my experiences written out. I have started to pick my skin again, I am sleeping all day, I can't get up off the couch except to pee.
Nothing matters. All I am is the sum of my past. Not a particularly lovable character. Kind of scummy, really.I walked into the water at the beach yesterday and wanted to keep on walking. Let the water cover my head, keep my arms down by my sides and let a current carry me out, out, out. There is a large suspension bridge to the south and I read a news item about someone who had jumped. He worked at the newspaper and no one knew how sick he was. I don't have the nerve to do something. I don't have the nerve to do anything. I just want to not feel any more. I have a creeping rot inside me that's been varnished over, covered with makeup for all these years. Somehow the rot has reached my surface, is showing me to be as pathetic as I've been saying I am.
You know, I wasn't going to post this. But this feels too awful to write and delete, write and delete. I'm going to bed now. I don't want today again, please. Take it away.
poster:ClearSkies
thread:669845
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060721/msgs/669845.html