Posted by Racer on July 15, 2006, at 16:56:21
In reply to Re: Something individual came out in marriage sess » Racer, posted by Dinah on July 14, 2006, at 16:24:50
First of all, thank you to everyone who did respond, and let me also say that I have found that community colleges often offer much better classes than universities, just because there's not the same pressure to publish. In fact, the professor I had at uni who was most held up as proof of quality because of the number of his published works was also the absolute worst! (Of course, I checked: many of his publications were actually newspaper essays. NOT all that prestigious, huh?) I know that the classes aren't necessarily "worse" in any way, but it also seems as though they're truly set up for ANYONE to get an A with a minimum of effort.
And Dinah? I gots a bit more to say to you... {sigh}...
>Except for the part where you downplay what you've done academically. An A is an A. You can't compare it to anything else, because nothing else was there to compare it with. There's no saying you wouldn't have gotten the same score wherever you were.
I think that's the problem, and I also think AnnieRose is onto something. I think this is something I was trained to do. Did I ever tell you what my mother said to me once? (OK, how would you know until I tell you what she said. {sticks tongue out}) "You're not really so smart, you know. You didn't learn to read on your own -- you had to learn it in school."
How's that for setting impossible standards? And, of course, since that's what I got during my formative years, that's what I've taken with me. I need to do it all perfectly, AND I need to have learned it on my own, AND I need to get it all right the first time. "You have the ability to get every single one of those problems right, therefore there is no reason not to." Of course I'm going to feel as though I've failed when I don't get 100%.
Problem is, I do feel as though I've failed when I don't get 100%. It's not a case of aiming higher so you can hit a slightly lower target -- it's a case of aiming higher.
>
> It's not of course all you have, any more than it was all I had. But it can feel that way when you're in an academic setting.But Dinah? It's not being in an academic setting. It just is. No one else knows or cares about my grades, I don't socialize with anyone from my classes, etc. The pressure isn't from the environment.
Partly it's just because, well, it's because now if I get a lower grade, I'll "ruin my record," which is just stupid. Dumb, stupid, idiotic, etc. But there it is. I'm afraid of what will happen if I get a different grade.
I guess I'm afraid of losing the one thing I have had up until now. The only thing I can say I have done "right."
>
> I'm not sure how you convince yourself you're good enough. I'm not sure reason works too well in convincing yourself of the truth of your goodness in the face of visceral insistence otherwise. But it can't hurt to start there.
>
> It sounds as if you have a husband who understands a bit? And thinks you underestimate yourself?I don't know. My husband said the other night that he gets really frustrated with me, because (sorry, I don't know how to do this without using numbers) I got 98% in that psych class, and wasn't satisfied with it, and he wouldn't be able to get that high no matter how hard he tried. That's when I blurted out that it was the only thing I had.
I hadn't quite put words on that before, but it fits. I'm a pathetic loser, who has never been able to support myself like a grown up, who hasn't ever been able to keep a "real" job for more than about 2 years, who can't keep house worth beans, and is generally just a failure at everything you can name. But, I have gotten good grades in college. (I failed everything before that, though.) It's the one thing I can point to and say, "But I succeeded there."
He said something today, too, about "listen to this guy's CV, ... and he did all that before he was 40. Makes me wonder what I've done with my life." My response? "And think how it makes me feel, honey -- at least you've been able to keep a job."
poster:Racer
thread:666938
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060703/msgs/667333.html