Posted by daisym on July 14, 2006, at 12:13:20
I struggled through last night, hour by hour. Everything hurt. Every part of my brain is screaming for relief. I had a tough week in therapy, ending with a tough group Weds night. My therapist was pushy and hard on me (so I felt) yesterday. I left believing that he thinks I should do something I don't think I can do. He wants me to put my needs before someone else's in my group. It is complicated and I don't even really know this other person. But it is so clear that he thinks I should fight for myself and I think I'm upset about something stupid.
And the tidal wave of hurt and pain is about recognizing that here, yet again, is another situation that is harder than it has to be because of my inability to get past the past. It didn't help that my husband called and was pushy about wanting to spend time together so we can "fix" our marriage. He doesn't understand why I don't want to. "Why can't you be cheerful?" he asked me. I don't have the capacity to make him understand because I don't understand what is really wrong. I just want to be left alone, to slink away and not grapple with any one else's needs. How selfish is that?
I want to give up. I want to stop therapy, I want to stop trying, I want to stop living. Doesn't Streisand have a song called, "Stop the World, I want to Get Off?"
poster:daisym
thread:667052
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060703/msgs/667052.html