Posted by cricket on June 2, 2006, at 9:26:17
Greetings everyone,
I used to post on this site up to about 6 months ago. Perhaps some of you remember me.
First of all, I want to thank everyone for all their support. I think I spent about a year on this site and it was a time when many people here were caring and insightful and responsive.
But I also want to put out a word of caution because in many ways this site was harmful to me.
I know that I am an aberration in this regard and I truly believe that for most people this site is a wonderful service. So for the longest time I didn’t think that posting about my experience here would be appropriate.
However, just in case I am not unique, and there are others out there who may be experiencing something similar I decided just to throw it out there.
During the time I was posting here I was going through a very difficult time in therapy. I often doubted my therapist (his competence, his caring, his experience, well just about everything) and I doubted myself even more.
The more I read here the worse it got. Although no one seemed to have a perfect therapist nor a perfect therapy relationship, everyone seemed to experience therapy in a similar way (lots of attachment, longing for therapist, desire to test boundaries) and I didn’t feel these things and so I felt worse and worse. Something was wrong with me, something was wrong with my therapist, something was wrong with both of us.
I shut down more and more in therapy and spent months in almost complete silence. My therapist became more and more frustrated and every session (when I managed to go at all) became a dreaded event for both of us.
I began to drift away from here for various reasons and then stopped posting and then even reading altogether.
And during that time after I left here, I think more of me as I am (not how I think I am supposed to be, not how everyone else seems to be) started to peek through and my therapist switched gears completely. He said that he too had been trying to help me in the traditional way (discussing the past and helping me see less than desirable patterns that were remnants of that past) but I didn’t suffer from PTSD. He said, "Almost no one comes in here with as much self-discipline as you, as much willingness to take 100% responsibility for the way your mind has developed so I think I need to change the way I work for you."
We basically decided that I didn’t really need therapy, but if there was anything in my present life that I wanted to work on he would be happy to try and help.
I couldn’t really think of anything but we’ve continued to see each other weekly although I am not sure it’s therapy at this point. I just tell him what’s going on in my mind, what my various parts have said and thought and felt over the course of the week and he just sits there with a big smile on his face. He actually says very little.
This has been going on for a few months now and I don’t think I have ever felt more content or peaceful in my life. I feel completed accepted for exactly who I am in this moment. I feel no compulsion to think or do anything in any particular way. I feel free in ways I never have before.
And yet if I read on here, I find it so easy to slip into thinking I’m defective, less than human, unfeeling, etc. And then I think why doesn’t my therapist help me with this and why doesn’t he say and do the things other therapists say and do.Now I realize all along that my desire to conform, to fit into that little round hole that I thought if I could just squeeze myself into I would get the perfect help, pushed my therapist into doing therapy in ways that weren’t suitable. I contorted myself and he tried to adapt to my contortions.
Once I backed away, he could back away and everything fell into place.
So, my advice would be if anyone suspects that something similar may be going on for them, it might be worth trying a Babble break for a few weeks.
I wish everyone peace and happiness.
poster:cricket
thread:651853
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060526/msgs/651853.html