Posted by Racer on May 28, 2006, at 2:39:31
I know I'm much more depressed, and starting to feel kinda frantic, too, which don't bode well... Lemme see if I can tell y'all something about what's going on...
Here's the best I can manage: I feel pathetic, because in reading through some of my posts in the archives, I saw signs of a pattern of mine that bothers me a lot, and does make me feel pathetic. I walk into new situations, and ignore my gut. If I feel as though something's wrong, I say it's just me, it's just my hypervigilance, whatever. I say, "I will like these people," and try very hard to do just that. And it feels so damned pathetic. As though I'm standing there begging for them to approve, to do what they're supposed to do, I won't get hurt if I can just prove that I like them and am trying to earn their approval.
Y'all know that don't work, right?
This is all going back to that idiotic agency that treated me. It's been nearly two years now, and I am not over it, which also makes me feel pathetic. And today I realized that there's a little voice inside me stamping a foot and saying, "I'll show them!" But I have to let that go. I can't show them. But instead of feeling as though I'm invisible, or that I've failed, I just need to get to where they don't enter into my mind or my life at all. THEY are the ones who screwed up.
Although I don't believe that, of course. Even when I try to point out to myself that I was a psychiatric patient, and they were the mental health professionals. I still look back and see that it was my fault, that I wouldn't have been so hurt if I'd done things differently.
And about that part of the whole rumination, I get to feeling as though there's just no point. Honestly, I am not finding life worth living today.
On top of which, I have to see a cardiologist, and the one my doctor referred me to hasn't called me yet. And my pdoc won't refill my prescriptions until the cardiologist clears me, which is probably a big part of my current state. [does that Eureka/Hoover thing] a lot. I've already called the doctor's office once to ask what the hold up is, but still no one has contacted me. And I kinda have to hear next week, since I leave on a short trip the following week, and see pdoc just about as soon as I get back.
And then my beloved idiot of a husband just bought a new car today. Well, it's new to him, used car. I don't like it. He traded his Porsche 911 Turbo for a flash Mitsubishi that only a teenage boy would love. It's horrible. We test drove three cars at the dealership, this one and two Mercedes Benz. I liked the first Mercedes best, and lobbied heavily for it. Drove better, lower miles, $1000 more with lower payments, and just more comfortable all around. Even had dual climate zones. Nope. He had to have higher HP, in order to enjoy his ten minute commute to work.
And I feel so guilty that I can't just celebrate wiht him, and be happy that he's got a new car. But I can't. Doubt I could even without this...
Anyway, I went through the archives yesterday, and found my old posts, and copied andpasted them into a Word document, which I am now editing to take to my therapist, so that I can talk about the parts that bother me. Like, you know, ignoring my gut; not speaking up early on about problems; etc.
I just feel so damned pathetic.
poster:Racer
thread:649587
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060526/msgs/649587.html