Posted by llrrrpp on May 21, 2006, at 10:26:05
Background: I cannot experience happiness, joy or positive feelings. I cannot even anticipate feeling them, in the future, as I start to pull out of the big Depression.
Experimental Question:
Can an unexpected windfall (life-changing money, affirmation of my hard work and intelligence) make me feel happy?Alternatives:
If the good news makes me happy, there is hope for recovery from the big D.
If the good news does not make me happy, either it was not big enough (this can be ruled out); or, there is something constitutional that permits me from feeling anything but pain, despair, emptiness. (e.g. anhedonia)[disordered] Logic
A)If I feel happy upon hearing news, I am, and will continue to recoverB)If I do not feel happy, either I will have to be strong and have faith that one day, I will be able to experience something like joy
or
C)I decide that there is no current happiness, and I am even unable to anticipate future happiness. Doomed to a life of pain and conflict, I opt out.
Results:
Vacillating between B) and C) for the greater part of 48 hours, I have decided that the best solution is to minimize the current conflict by punishing myself. I thought of my relationships, and what they mean to me. I decided that relieving the pain and conflict was even more urgent than maintaining these relationships. I felt so relieved. I finally decided that it would be over. But, I was so incapacitated that I decided to wait until another day, when I would be more capable of ensuring success. I feel so much relief. I think I will continue to punish myself, to prolong the end, because every once in a while I think of B. I think of my husband and my parents. But, I think I have figured out a way to suffer, and still live, kind of. I've never felt so close to the end before. My current plan is not to eat anything. This will hopefully weaken me, until I cannot act on my ideations, yet satisfy the need to suffer, as I will essentially be killing myself very slowly. I know it's not a great solution, but it's all I could come up with. I don't want to be hospitalized. I either want to live or die, but stay out of the hospital.
poster:llrrrpp
thread:646531
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060517/msgs/646531.html