Posted by Dinah on May 19, 2006, at 8:08:46
In reply to Re: I'm around » Dinah, posted by Daisym on May 19, 2006, at 0:18:20
I'm sorry I haven't been very responsive.
I guess I'm not yet ready to be reasonable. Work is another stressor right now, and I'm trying like h*ll to get out from under this in some very bad and stupid ways. I suppose after talking to the boss on the job I'm scaredest about, I'm feeling pretty stupid stupid stupid about what I've done. He was really quite nice and had some good sensible advice, and told me not to worry too much. Which was both kind and smart of him, since it let me get some work done. I should have had the conversation earlier, I guess.
I am a bit worried since he hinted at changes in my future career responsibilities that don't seem quite in keeping with what I had in mind. Not firing, but something I don't think I'll like. He told me not to worry about it, and that we'd talk after this job was done. Makes sense I guess since if it's bad the job won't get done, but still nerve wracking. (I won't be leaving this job, just reducing my hours and telecommuting.)
I tried to cancel with my therapist for today. He hadn't heard me say not to call back. As usual he just forgot me as things came up in his own life.
I think maybe he shouldn't be practicing right now.
I realized I just didn't feel like going. A first for me. Not that I was angry or anything. I just didn't feel like putting in the time. And the only reason I was going was because I wanted someone to see the SI. I have been trying to get anyone to notice it and see that I got help, but no one has.
Yet today I'm feeling really regretful at what I've done and really afraid that it's going to need medical attention, although from what I've read on the internet it shouldn't. And I don't want anyone to see it. I am definitely going to add this method to the list of things I'll never do again.
Maybe I'm starting to be more ready to be reasonable. But seeing my therapist will probably reverse that. It has, in general, of late.
I'm so angry with him. If he'd said the things then that he's saying now, I wouldn't have made this decision. Despite his forgetting me all the time. I don't expect perfection. But he kept being so blasted distant about the prospect of my moving. I think he thought I wasn't serious. And I thought he didn't give a flying rat's *ss, which made it pretty d*mn stupid of me to care.
I'm not ready to see moving as a good thing. Rigth now it's taking me away from two things I love so passionately, and at least one wisely as well. And I hate the move for that.
I can't even blame my husband because he would have stayed, despite his own desire to leave, if I hadn't pushed to go. So I guess I'm most angry of all at me. For not getting my work done. For being the driving force towards the middle for this decision. Now my husband is, and at the beginning my husband was, but at a critical stage I was. I hate me for that. I'm the stupidest *^%&% in the world for that.
And that's true even if I terminated with my therapist anyway. This is my home. It may be sick, and it might not be better any time in the next several years or (depending on the next few years weather, the wisdom of politicians, etc.) ever even, but it's my home. What kind of person am I to leave my home when it needs me and people like me more than ever.
poster:Dinah
thread:644590
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060517/msgs/645831.html