Posted by jammerlich on April 13, 2006, at 10:43:37
It's been months and months since the painful termination and I'm finally going to see someone new. I don't really feel ready, though. I'm scared.
I've posted in the last few weeks about about the teacher for whom I was a "Jessica" and how we've kept in contact here and there over the past 20+ years. Well, she's turned into quite the friend recently and I've been able to tell her a lot about my childhood. That, all on it's own, has been so healing because all the ugliness was going on when I was in her class and she's the only teacher I ever REALLY wanted to tell. To have her know and still be accepted by her has been amazing.
Anyway, I think I've caused her a great deal of worry and she's been asking me to visit with her sister, who is a T. Finally I agreed and she seemed so pleased. We have an appointment next week and I am terrified. The only thing that's keeping me from backing out is not wanting to disappoint my special friend. There's also the bonus that her sister is a 3 hour drive, each way, from us. That means I get to spend the whole day with this person who is so precious to me. And I know if I'm feeling tender afterwards, I will be with someone who loves me and understands why.
I doubt this woman will be a regular T for me and that's one reason I feel like I can go. I'm not sure if I'm ready for the intense relationship just yet. I don't understand why, but I feel a little concerned about confidentiality. That confuses me because, if they'll let me, I want my friend in the room with me, so she'd hear everything I said anyway. I guess it's the fact that they are sisters and I'm concerned I'll be discussed when I'm not around. I don't know.
I'm also worried that she's going to all this trouble for me and driving me so far and I might not be able to say much. I had that problem in therapy before. I told her that and she said, "Then we'll go again. No matter what you say, it'll be worth it. Do not worry!" Guess I should listen to her, huh?
This part is completely unrelated, but is something I wanted to share because it felt so good. Last week I was at her house and she was talking to me as she was giving me a hug. My ear was against her and I felt and heard her voice as it echoed through her. It was the most beautiful and soothing feeling. I don't remember it myself, but it must be what children hear and feel when their mothers hold them close. Just amazing. I want more of that.
poster:jammerlich
thread:632577
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060406/msgs/632577.html