Posted by Daisym on March 18, 2006, at 23:57:26
I've been trying to figure out what I wanted to say about my experience. What leaps to mind is "it wasn't that bad and I will go back." I'm not sure what I was expecting. The other women are very nice...I'm the oldest, but I think not by much from one. One is probably 20 years younger. The therapist is a woman who likes the phrase, "what I hear you saying is..." but she is nice too. Everyone introduced themselves and unfortunately the first person who went did the AA thing: "HI, I'm X and I was molested by my dad..." ick. I didn't expect that. And everyone followed her example. The therapist had asked us to introduce ourselves and tell what we hoped we would get out of the group and how it had been so far. They've been meeting for 6 weeks. I'm the 4th to join and she will take up to 2 more before it is full. So they have formed bonds, but not too tightly yet. I didn't introduce myself that way, but I said that I wanted to hear other experiences especially women's. Then everyone did a check in from the week before and launched on a topic. Somehow the topic went to trust and having positive or negative male and/or female images. No one trusts men and the woman sitting next to me wondered how anyone could work with a male therapist. So I had to admit I have one and I felt like I needed to defend him, and my sons for that matter. I don't think of them as predators or dangerous. But I also said I didn't really trust either men or women; I trust myself. There was a lot of head nodding.
One of the women during check in said she felt young all week, like 5ish. The therapist wanted to come back to that - and the group sort of moaned about being "hot seated." I panicked (quietly inside) -- I don't hot seat well. But I did manage to ask if the group had talked about feeling young, I was really curious about this. The therapist said yes, the group said no. I found this very interesting. At the end, the therapist asked everyone how it was to have a new person and I wanted to crawl under the seat. Almost everyone said, "it was fine but I was nervous" and one person said she could tell I was really nervous all evening. (you think?!) I admitted that it was hard for me to be there because just by walking through the door I was willingly putting on the label "survivor." And for so long I didn't want any of the csa stuff to be a part of who I am. It was just something that happened. There was lots of head nodding about this too.
I spent a great deal of the session on the ceiling, spaced out. I noticed what books were in the bookshelf, I noticed that the room got smaller and smaller and hotter and hotter. I gripped the talisman so hard I was afraid I crushed the stone inside. And when I left I was shaky, sick to my stomach and numb. I couldn't figure it out for a while but then I realized that it was the same feeling I had when I first told my therapist. It is pure fear of breaking the rules about telling anyone. I was scared to death about the consequences.
I carried that fear into therapy on Thursday. At first I didn't want to talk about the group, and then I told him some of the details. And I got pretty upset with him for not going with me. He said, "But I was there, couldn't you feel me?" All I could do was nod through the tears. Everytime he tried to reassure me about the fear I flooded out again in tears and floated out the window. I was just petrified that I was in trouble for telling. He kept saying it was an old fear and he wouldn't let anything hurt me. I tried to hear him, but I felt so young. *sigh*
Anyway...it has taken a few days but I feel better. I hope I don't have a melt down every Thursday. It takes a lot out of a person. And please don't tell me I was brave. I felt anything but. I'm still not completely sure why I'm doing this. I have appreciated all your support a great deal. In some ways I have done group before -- Babble!
Hugs all around,
Daisy
poster:Daisym
thread:621888
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060312/msgs/621888.html