Posted by Racer on March 16, 2006, at 12:17:56
I'm running into trouble, with someone I care about who is going through a very bad time. I feel guilty about not doing enough for her, not making things better for her, being there enough for her to lean on.
On the other hand, I know that I need to work on boundaries with her, because she's looking for a rescuer. I can't rescue her from her life, because the problems are both real, and her responsibility to address. I can help by offering suggestions, feedback, a certain amount of sympathy and support. I cannot fix her life.
I feel guilty about it, though. Especially because my heart really is breaking for her, and I can put myself in her place so easily. And, when I can feel myself in her place, it's so painful to try to set limits. I feel as though I'm abandoning her. (Which, by the way, I think is coming largely from her. She does rather convey the sense that I "should" be doing more to support her no matter what she does, or how destructive I think what she's doing is for her.) And this is despite little things like, when I don't give her quite what she's looking for, she lashes out at me.
One of the latest was that she suggested using our address for her treatment, so that she could register in our county which has more extensive mental health resources. When I told her that I dind't think that would fly with my husband, I got a mild verbal hand slap -- followed a short while later by a slap that was clearly meant to hurt more than it did.
I'm too selfish to want to use much more of my therapy time discussing all this. I do care about her enough that I'm not going to abandon her. But I really need to set limits, and I need to learn how to cope with her reactions to those limits. (She has a way of flying from one extreme to another, and I'm great, her lifeline, her savior, her best friend -- until suddenly I'm totally screwed up, or why should anyone listen to me, or I'm hardly in a position to offer anyone advice. The one thing I've got to protect me right now is that I do sound just enough like her mother that she wants to put me in her mother's place a bit, which means she doesn't want to totally alienate me.)
So far, I'm trying to limit telephone time, so that I don't get overwhelmed. I'm also trying to offer constructive feedback, of the "what benefit will you get from [x]" variety, as well as concrete information, things like "this is the number for a place that offers low cost therapy" etc. I'm also trying to shift some of the contact into my terms, by being the one to initiate contact more, so that there are fewer long rambling messages on my voicemail, and so that she doesn't get to feeling as though I'm avoiding her calls. (Mostly I am...) I'm trying to discourage the talk about "I wouldn't do anything to kill myself, but I wouldnt' get out of the way of a bus, either..." Those not quite threats of not quite suicide. And I am trying to do what I can, but as what I offer more than being pulled into it.
What makes it so very hard, though, really is the amount of empathy involved. I can feel what I would feel in her place, and I know that I would be absolutely devastated, and desperate for support and contact. I know she's lonely, and I know how painful that sort of loneliness is. Every time I tell myself that it's not my responsibility, I think of how I would feel if someone were saying this about me. How I would feel, in her position, if other people weren't there to offer support. And that keeps me pretty well hooked.
Can anyone offer any advice, any experiences of similar situations? Anything that helped -- helped you cope, rather than helping your friend, although I'll take that, too, if you got it.
Thanks.
poster:Racer
thread:620937
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060312/msgs/620937.html